**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Today is the LAST DAY to register for the 30-Day Eat More Fat Challenge! See you tomorrow!
We have BIG news to share with you all today! Some bigger than others. :)
A month or so ago, I joined CAPPA, and I am now pursuing certification in Childbirth Education and Lactation Specialist. I've been very busy working on research, writing papers, reading books, and doing other things towards these certifications, among other projects. We've also converted our music room into a playroom/meeting room for when I am certified and can hold classes here. I'll be posting about that and showing you pictures of that room in a later post!
Tomorrow is our NEW SITE LAUNCH!! The address is http://www.modernalternativemama.com/ and it is currently live, if you're too eager to wait until tomorrow to check it out. If you've subscribed to me here, I believe you will need to go over there and re-subscribe. I would love it if you did! Comments will be locked over here starting with this post, so you'll need to hop over to the new site anyway if you want to comment. All future posts will be posted ONLY on the new site!
And, to help you along with visiting the new site, I will have a WEEK OF GIVEAWAYS!! Every single day (Monday - Friday) there will be a new giveaway! Here is a sneak peek about the posts I'll have and the giveaways:
Monday -- 30-Day Eat More Fat Challenge! Giveaway: Baby toys (a talented friend is making them, more details to follow)
Tuesday -- Baby Steps in the Medicine Cabinet. Giveaway: Modern Alternative Mama Soothing Skin Cream.
Wednesday -- Review of Seventh Generation household products. Giveaway: Seventh Generation Home Starter Kit, including glass cleaner, all-purpose cleaner, toilet cleaner, shower cleaner, tub & tile cleaner, kitchen cleaner, natural paper towels, and reusable tote.
Thursday -- Orange sherbet recipe (sugar free!!). Giveaway: Coconut flour from Tropical Traditions!
Friday -- Top 10 Posts and new features! Giveaway: Tweedlebugs Diaper, cloth wipes, and wipe solution package!
Join us next week to read all the awesome new entries and enter all the giveaways!
A small family update -- we are about to start the GAPS diet here. We've been easing our way into it for awhile but we have to just take the plunge. I'll be posting on it more later for those who are interested, but there's plenty of information on other blogs right now. Keeper of the Home, and Kelly the Kitchen Kop have both posted a fair amount about the subject. Look for more on that on the new site!
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Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Things I've Learned About Allergies
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Many times as we've gone through dealing with my childrens' allergies, I've felt it was terribly unfair that my children were always reacting and I had to be hypervigilant about everything they ate and on the lookout for any tiny sign of reaction, when so many other peoples' kids were completely fine! And many of them didn't try nearly as hard for the natural, organic lifestyle! Where was the justice?
These are my thoughts in my dark hours, of course. Most of the time I'm just happy that I'm paying attention and that I'm helping them feel better and hopefully heal from their allergies. Then there are those times that I've heard other parents make comments that sounded strange to me...and I began to wonder, are there children experiencing minor food sensitivity symptoms, but they don't realize it? I've gone back and forth, wondering what might be "weird" but normal, and what might really be a sign of sensitivity. But after talking with other moms of 'allergy' children, I've come up with a list of things I've learned by dealing with kids with allergies (I could be wrong, but this is what I believe to be true, and our pediatrician has discussed some of these points with us):
1) Eczema is a sign of allergies.
Yes, always. It could be food, laundry detergents, local pollution, who knows. But it is allergies, not just something children get. All the allergic children I know (including mine) will flare up with eczema badly if they are exposed to an allergen; but when they're not, their skin is perfectly clear! No creams touch it as long as they are still exposed to the allergen. A LOT of kids have eczema...and also, food sensitivities their parents haven't realized.
2) Cradle cap is a sign of allergies.
This is common in young babies, but any that persists for more than a few days or gets bad is actually a sign of some kind of allergy (usually milk, since it shows up so early). My daughter had this horribly (as did a lot of other allergy babies). My son, since we discovered his allergies almost immediately and cut the offending foods, never did.
3) Reflux is a sign of allergies.
So many moms say "my baby has reflux!! I hope they outgrow it! At least it's not allergies!" Sorry to let you know, but in almost all cases, it IS allergies. Many of these moms learn when their babies are older that they DO have an allergy to something. It really just is a sign that the baby has an allergy, generally, again, usually to milk. Especially if it's accompanied by screaming or projectile vomitting.
4) Sleep disturbances are a sign of allergies.
While sleep disturbances can happen for MANY reasons (growth spurts, teething, routine disruptions, etc.), continued night waking with no obvious cause, especially after a year old, are often a sign of allergies. Bekah continued to wake up several times a night well past a year (as have many other allergy kids) and STILL wakes up at night, at age 2, if she eats something that isn't good for her. If sleep disturbance is persistent and combined with other symptoms, consider allergies.
5) Diarrhea and/or constipation are a sign of allergies.
If a baby's system isn't ready for a food, or s/he is allergic to it, diarrhea or constipation can result. It's not normal for any food to just "cause diarrhea." That only happens if the body is not digesting it properly. This is related to the next sign, so I'll discuss it further in a second....
6) Undigested food in the poop is a sign of allergies.
If the body is handling a food properly, there should be no trace of it when it comes out the other end. It's a myth that certain foods -- grapes, corn, beans, cranberries, etc. -- just cause "nasty poop." No. That is not normal. That is a sign of allergy to that food! I have heard over and over that grapes cause nasty poop, but when Bekah eats a ton of grapes (and she is allergic to SO MANY foods), there are no issues. We only get the "nasty poop" when the food is clearly not good for her! I've talked to a lot of other moms of allergic kids who have said the same thing.
7) Persistent diaper rash is a sign of allergies.
If your child eats something, has nasty poop, and then gets a diaper rash, that is a sign of allergies too. Yes, kids can get diaper rash for a bunch of reasons, but if it happens frequently and is hard to get rid of, consider allergies. It may be an allergy to the brand of diapers or detergents. Or, it may be food.
8) Stomachaches, fussiness, gas, etc. can be a sign of allergies
This can also be a sign of illness, of course, but if it happens after eating particular foods, consider allergies. Eating a food that causes an allergic reaction will likely upset the child's stomach and make him/her not feel well and be irritable. Some will even scream.
None of these symptoms are those of "true" allergies (i.e. the life-threatening, not-breathing kind) but they are signs of serious food sensitivities. And they should be taken seriously. These symptoms can be minor and, if you're not paying attention, seem like nothing. After all, every baby has a fussy day, or a little eczema, or nasty poops every now and then, right? Well...yes, but there's ALWAYS a reason for those things! And food sensitivities are often to blame.
If you notice a pattern of some of these symptoms, no matter how minor, I suggest that you keep a food journal. Write down what your child eats and when, and any symptoms you note and how long after eating the offending food that they occur. Take this to your child's doctor and ask him or her about possible food sensitivities. Try an elimination diet to see if s/he does better without the foods (my guess would be yes!).
It seems like nit-picking, but these small sensitivities are affecting your child's gut health and immune system. Avoiding the foods causing the problems is very important, even if the diet changes are difficult. Believe me -- I know it's hard. But we've been much better off since we've made the changes. Our children sleep better, are happier, and clearly feel better. And we do too.
Have you noticed any symptoms in your children? If you know you have allergic children, what do you think about this list?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Don't forget to register for the 30-Day Eat More Fat challenge!
Many times as we've gone through dealing with my childrens' allergies, I've felt it was terribly unfair that my children were always reacting and I had to be hypervigilant about everything they ate and on the lookout for any tiny sign of reaction, when so many other peoples' kids were completely fine! And many of them didn't try nearly as hard for the natural, organic lifestyle! Where was the justice?
These are my thoughts in my dark hours, of course. Most of the time I'm just happy that I'm paying attention and that I'm helping them feel better and hopefully heal from their allergies. Then there are those times that I've heard other parents make comments that sounded strange to me...and I began to wonder, are there children experiencing minor food sensitivity symptoms, but they don't realize it? I've gone back and forth, wondering what might be "weird" but normal, and what might really be a sign of sensitivity. But after talking with other moms of 'allergy' children, I've come up with a list of things I've learned by dealing with kids with allergies (I could be wrong, but this is what I believe to be true, and our pediatrician has discussed some of these points with us):
1) Eczema is a sign of allergies.
Yes, always. It could be food, laundry detergents, local pollution, who knows. But it is allergies, not just something children get. All the allergic children I know (including mine) will flare up with eczema badly if they are exposed to an allergen; but when they're not, their skin is perfectly clear! No creams touch it as long as they are still exposed to the allergen. A LOT of kids have eczema...and also, food sensitivities their parents haven't realized.
2) Cradle cap is a sign of allergies.
This is common in young babies, but any that persists for more than a few days or gets bad is actually a sign of some kind of allergy (usually milk, since it shows up so early). My daughter had this horribly (as did a lot of other allergy babies). My son, since we discovered his allergies almost immediately and cut the offending foods, never did.
3) Reflux is a sign of allergies.
So many moms say "my baby has reflux!! I hope they outgrow it! At least it's not allergies!" Sorry to let you know, but in almost all cases, it IS allergies. Many of these moms learn when their babies are older that they DO have an allergy to something. It really just is a sign that the baby has an allergy, generally, again, usually to milk. Especially if it's accompanied by screaming or projectile vomitting.
4) Sleep disturbances are a sign of allergies.
While sleep disturbances can happen for MANY reasons (growth spurts, teething, routine disruptions, etc.), continued night waking with no obvious cause, especially after a year old, are often a sign of allergies. Bekah continued to wake up several times a night well past a year (as have many other allergy kids) and STILL wakes up at night, at age 2, if she eats something that isn't good for her. If sleep disturbance is persistent and combined with other symptoms, consider allergies.
5) Diarrhea and/or constipation are a sign of allergies.
If a baby's system isn't ready for a food, or s/he is allergic to it, diarrhea or constipation can result. It's not normal for any food to just "cause diarrhea." That only happens if the body is not digesting it properly. This is related to the next sign, so I'll discuss it further in a second....
6) Undigested food in the poop is a sign of allergies.
If the body is handling a food properly, there should be no trace of it when it comes out the other end. It's a myth that certain foods -- grapes, corn, beans, cranberries, etc. -- just cause "nasty poop." No. That is not normal. That is a sign of allergy to that food! I have heard over and over that grapes cause nasty poop, but when Bekah eats a ton of grapes (and she is allergic to SO MANY foods), there are no issues. We only get the "nasty poop" when the food is clearly not good for her! I've talked to a lot of other moms of allergic kids who have said the same thing.
7) Persistent diaper rash is a sign of allergies.
If your child eats something, has nasty poop, and then gets a diaper rash, that is a sign of allergies too. Yes, kids can get diaper rash for a bunch of reasons, but if it happens frequently and is hard to get rid of, consider allergies. It may be an allergy to the brand of diapers or detergents. Or, it may be food.
8) Stomachaches, fussiness, gas, etc. can be a sign of allergies
This can also be a sign of illness, of course, but if it happens after eating particular foods, consider allergies. Eating a food that causes an allergic reaction will likely upset the child's stomach and make him/her not feel well and be irritable. Some will even scream.
None of these symptoms are those of "true" allergies (i.e. the life-threatening, not-breathing kind) but they are signs of serious food sensitivities. And they should be taken seriously. These symptoms can be minor and, if you're not paying attention, seem like nothing. After all, every baby has a fussy day, or a little eczema, or nasty poops every now and then, right? Well...yes, but there's ALWAYS a reason for those things! And food sensitivities are often to blame.
If you notice a pattern of some of these symptoms, no matter how minor, I suggest that you keep a food journal. Write down what your child eats and when, and any symptoms you note and how long after eating the offending food that they occur. Take this to your child's doctor and ask him or her about possible food sensitivities. Try an elimination diet to see if s/he does better without the foods (my guess would be yes!).
It seems like nit-picking, but these small sensitivities are affecting your child's gut health and immune system. Avoiding the foods causing the problems is very important, even if the diet changes are difficult. Believe me -- I know it's hard. But we've been much better off since we've made the changes. Our children sleep better, are happier, and clearly feel better. And we do too.
Have you noticed any symptoms in your children? If you know you have allergic children, what do you think about this list?
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Friday, February 19, 2010
Daily Attitude
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Today I read a great post over at Raising Arrows called "The Me Time Myth." I suggest going over there to read that post before you read this one. I'll wait. :)
Okay, now. I'm betting a lot of you disagree with it. But I don't. I think it's very right, and very important. Who we are isn't the person we are in the small stolen moments. Who we are isn't who we wish to be once all the "work" is done (especially as a parent!). Who we are is what we do everyday, all day long. And that's how it should be. If you don't like what you do everyday, what you surround yourself with -- change that. But having a mindset of needing to escape from it to be "yourself" is going to lead to frustration and anger.
I've found that most of the time, I enjoy including my kids in my daily activities. I might want to go out to lunch with a friend, spend time cooking, go shopping, etc. But I enjoy bringing my kids with me. I often choose to even when I don't "have" to (like when Ben is home). I like having them with me and involved in my activities, in general.
There are times when having my children with me isn't a good idea. Such as, if I'm cooking with knives or when I was teaching and needed to pay attention to my student. It's one of the reasons I closed the business -- I did not like feeling under pressure and like I needed my children to "go away" for awhile. It made me angry and frustrated with them. I didn't like feeling that way, so I needed to step away. It's why I try not to take on time-sensitive projects too often, because life is unpredictable with children and they need me first.
So, I suggest to you, our attitude should be joyful towards our daily routine. We should enjoy doing laundry, cooking, shopping, and caring for our children. Not all moments will be joyful, obviously (like when dinner's boiling over, the phone is ringing, and all the children are screaming) but we should attempt to enjoy WHY we are doing them. We are raising children and that is the biggest and best job ever!
Like Amy, every time I feel like I need some "me" time, I'm impatient to get away from my family and get away from the day-to-day activities. I'm short with them and angry that they need me so much. I'm not joyful and purposeful in the way I care for them anymore. I don't like being that way.
Instead of seeking "me" time, I need to focus on the activities that need done everyday, and give them all my attention and loving care. I honestly feel that most people don't think this way. Most people believe strongly that everyone needs time alone. But unless you're taking a few quiet moments to pray, you shouldn't need time alone. Your time should be spent with your family and your friends, blessing them. You shouldn't try to minimize parenting by hoping your kids will go away and play alone so you can work on a project, or hoping they'll go to bed early every night so you can watch TV or take a bath. If it works out that you happen to get some time alone, that's great, but your parenting should be based on your family's needs first, not your own. That is selfish and that is not how God treats us.
Ben and I both seem to have a different perspective on this, honestly. Ben believes in "me" time. This has led to some fights. He will want to go out by himself and say "Well, I encourage you to go too! You just never do!" And I do go out, usually during the day, and I almost always take at least one child with me. And I don't mind doing that, until Ben says "But you SHOULD have time to yourself!" It just isn't feasible right now, with a nursing infant. But when he says it then I suddenly feel the 'stress' of not having the time to myself, that I suddenly feel like I am entitled to it. It seems unfair to me that Ben should get this time and I don't. Then we fight because Ben desperately wants to get away and believes we're both entitled, and I come to feel that way too. Instead, we need to focus on our family first and finding joy in being together and doing what needs to be done instead of those rare times when we can "escape."
I'm not saying any of this because I'm perfect. On bad days I feel the need to escape too. But it needs to be a quiet moment in prayer and a deep breath, with the intention of diving back in, not pulling away. I'm trying to remember this everyday. I hope all of you can feel calm and fulfilled by your daily lives (at least most of the time!).
Take delight in the people around you instead of seeking the elusive "me time." Family time is what you really need.
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Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Today I read a great post over at Raising Arrows called "The Me Time Myth." I suggest going over there to read that post before you read this one. I'll wait. :)
Okay, now. I'm betting a lot of you disagree with it. But I don't. I think it's very right, and very important. Who we are isn't the person we are in the small stolen moments. Who we are isn't who we wish to be once all the "work" is done (especially as a parent!). Who we are is what we do everyday, all day long. And that's how it should be. If you don't like what you do everyday, what you surround yourself with -- change that. But having a mindset of needing to escape from it to be "yourself" is going to lead to frustration and anger.
I've found that most of the time, I enjoy including my kids in my daily activities. I might want to go out to lunch with a friend, spend time cooking, go shopping, etc. But I enjoy bringing my kids with me. I often choose to even when I don't "have" to (like when Ben is home). I like having them with me and involved in my activities, in general.
There are times when having my children with me isn't a good idea. Such as, if I'm cooking with knives or when I was teaching and needed to pay attention to my student. It's one of the reasons I closed the business -- I did not like feeling under pressure and like I needed my children to "go away" for awhile. It made me angry and frustrated with them. I didn't like feeling that way, so I needed to step away. It's why I try not to take on time-sensitive projects too often, because life is unpredictable with children and they need me first.
So, I suggest to you, our attitude should be joyful towards our daily routine. We should enjoy doing laundry, cooking, shopping, and caring for our children. Not all moments will be joyful, obviously (like when dinner's boiling over, the phone is ringing, and all the children are screaming) but we should attempt to enjoy WHY we are doing them. We are raising children and that is the biggest and best job ever!
Like Amy, every time I feel like I need some "me" time, I'm impatient to get away from my family and get away from the day-to-day activities. I'm short with them and angry that they need me so much. I'm not joyful and purposeful in the way I care for them anymore. I don't like being that way.
Instead of seeking "me" time, I need to focus on the activities that need done everyday, and give them all my attention and loving care. I honestly feel that most people don't think this way. Most people believe strongly that everyone needs time alone. But unless you're taking a few quiet moments to pray, you shouldn't need time alone. Your time should be spent with your family and your friends, blessing them. You shouldn't try to minimize parenting by hoping your kids will go away and play alone so you can work on a project, or hoping they'll go to bed early every night so you can watch TV or take a bath. If it works out that you happen to get some time alone, that's great, but your parenting should be based on your family's needs first, not your own. That is selfish and that is not how God treats us.
Ben and I both seem to have a different perspective on this, honestly. Ben believes in "me" time. This has led to some fights. He will want to go out by himself and say "Well, I encourage you to go too! You just never do!" And I do go out, usually during the day, and I almost always take at least one child with me. And I don't mind doing that, until Ben says "But you SHOULD have time to yourself!" It just isn't feasible right now, with a nursing infant. But when he says it then I suddenly feel the 'stress' of not having the time to myself, that I suddenly feel like I am entitled to it. It seems unfair to me that Ben should get this time and I don't. Then we fight because Ben desperately wants to get away and believes we're both entitled, and I come to feel that way too. Instead, we need to focus on our family first and finding joy in being together and doing what needs to be done instead of those rare times when we can "escape."
I'm not saying any of this because I'm perfect. On bad days I feel the need to escape too. But it needs to be a quiet moment in prayer and a deep breath, with the intention of diving back in, not pulling away. I'm trying to remember this everyday. I hope all of you can feel calm and fulfilled by your daily lives (at least most of the time!).
Take delight in the people around you instead of seeking the elusive "me time." Family time is what you really need.
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Guest Post (Again)!
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As you know, I was a music teacher before I had kids (private teaching). Today I have a guest post on music education for homeschooling families over at Raising Arrows, Amy's blog. Head over there and check it out!
While you're there, read more of Amy's blog. She has a lot of great information on parenting a large family (she has 5 kids and is expecting again), Biblical training, homeschooling, and lots more! Her blog is one of my recent finds but I'm really enjoying it. I feel like she is where I hope to be in 10 years!
I'm really excited about the opportunity to have a guest post there!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
As you know, I was a music teacher before I had kids (private teaching). Today I have a guest post on music education for homeschooling families over at Raising Arrows, Amy's blog. Head over there and check it out!
While you're there, read more of Amy's blog. She has a lot of great information on parenting a large family (she has 5 kids and is expecting again), Biblical training, homeschooling, and lots more! Her blog is one of my recent finds but I'm really enjoying it. I feel like she is where I hope to be in 10 years!
I'm really excited about the opportunity to have a guest post there!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Courtship and Biblical Marriage
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Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Now we've discussed several other issues surrounding Biblical relationships and families, so it's time to talk about courtship and marriage! I'm presenting these themes as they appear in the Biblical the teachings of Bible scholars. They represent an "ideal" situation, but are by no means the only way to approach relationships and marriage. They're also not my opinion (in most cases), but Biblical teachings, nor am I judging anyone who chooses a different way.
Courtship is a Biblical way of selecting a mate that heavily involves parents and which takes the place of dating. Traditional courtship happens when two people spend some time together within a group and/or with their parents as chaperones, and are never alone. They do not engage in any physical relationship (not even kissing) until they are married. Both young adults pray for God's guidance in selecting a mate, and discuss their ideas with their parents, who will either approve or deny the match. The man must then ask the woman's father's permission to propose to her. Only if the father gives it can the man propose to the woman. Then, once the couple is married, they leave their parents' homes and go to their own, where they begin their marriage together. Their first kiss is on their wedding day!
There are couples who, today, still strive for courtship. Not all families are so strict about it, though some are. Josh and Anna Duggar practiced courtship this strict, and I believe all the Duggar children are required to do so (although I don't know; I've only read Josh and Anna's story). Others are less strict but still believe strongly in courtship. That is, the goal of having the entire family involved in the selection of a mate and parents functioning as chaperones on at least early dates. It is also important that no courting take place until both the man and woman are fully grown and at a point in their lives where they are ready to have an adult relationship and a potential marriage. "Dating" happens as early as age 12 or 13 for some; there is no potential for an adult relationship or a marriage at that age. Courtship holds that early dating is pointless for that reason. Children should be children, and should not worry about relationships with the opposite sex until they are mature enough for marriage (this is not to say that they shouldn't have FRIENDSHIPS with the opposite sex!).
A typical (less strict) courtship may go like this (as my understanding; some of you may know better than I do): A man and a woman meet each other and become friends. Both are adults and feel they are ready to enter into marriage, if God leads them in that direction (and will be praying about this). They discuss their thoughts and ideas with their parents as well as praying that God will show them if the other person is the the "one." The man is prepared to marry -- that is, he has a good job and a home so that he can take care of his bride independently. The man asks the woman's father's permission to court her. If he gets permission, he will come to the woman's parents' house (of course...realistically, she may or may not still be living with her parents, but that's traditional) to pick her up and take her out. They may be chaperoned, or may not, but the date won't go late and there will be no sexual contact (some say hugging and holding hands is okay; some may say kissing is okay but this is less likely, especially at first). This may continue for awhile but the families will be paying attention. The couple will probably spend a lot of time in groups with friends, siblings, and their parents, so that the whole family knows the man/woman (both families know both). When the man is ready to propose, he will go privately to the woman's father and ask for her permission. Then, he will propose to the woman. Assuming she accepts, their "real" relationship begins and they plan the wedding (that is, they are viewed as betrothed and exclusive and it's considered a relationship, not just a courtship. Some couples may decide that some physical contact, like kissing, is acceptable at this point. Some may not. On their wedding day, they are married and they leave their fathers and mothers and go to one another, and are united as husband and wife (there are Bible verses about exactly this). At this point they are independent, married, and sexual contact is then permitted.
There is a Biblical basis for courtship. I am going to link to several sites in a "resources" section at the bottom so that you can read about it further if you're interested.
The reason that I believe a model similar to this is best is because a lot of teenagers waste a lot of time and energy on relationships that won't pan out. They spend time and money going on dates and having boyfriends and girlfriends and making plans for the future that completely change when and if they break up with that boyfriend or girlfriend. (Someone I know selected a college based on the fact that their significant other attended there, even though that college didn't have the intended major. So the entire career path and course of this person's life changed because of this relationship. They broke up a year later and now this person is thinking about revising the plan a bit, but I feel has lost a few years and the opportunity to do what was REALLY desired.) God doesn't want us to suffer like that. He also doesn't want our focus shifted from the task of growing up and discovering who we are as people, and becoming mature adults before we enter into relationships. So many teens are "one person" when they enter into a relationship at age 15, and totally different when they exit at age 17! Adolescents change SO fast, and they need to. For that reason, dating and marriage really should not enter their lives until they are mostly grown and ready for it.
Our goal for our children will be a modified courtship. We're not going to chaperone all their dates. We're not going to forbid them from ever kissing (though if any choose not to, we will certainly support that choice). We will want to meet the person they are seeing when they first want to have dates (and we will require them to be 18 before they can have true "dates" -- prior to that time, they will be able to go on group dates and have friendships with members of the opposite sex, but not relationships), and we will want men to come to us to ask permission before proposing to any of our daughters. And we hope that our sons will come and let us know they plan to propose, and then seek the woman's father's permission before doing so! We want to get to know all our future daughters-in-law and sons-in-law very well both before and after they are married.
Once courtship is complete and you are married, then what? God has a plan for marriage, too. I'll link to several articles on a Godly design for marriage below, too, but based on the studies we've done (premarital counseling, sets of CDs of pastors talking about marriage, a series in our church we heard live, some books we've read, the Bible itself of course), I will try to explain what we believe and try to practice.
The husband is the head of the family. He submits himself to God and Christ, and he is the family's spiritual leader. He is commanded to "agape" love his wife (which is a very special kind of love). This means, basically, that he is selfless and self-sacrificing for her, that he loves her as Christ loves him, and that nothing ever stops or changes his love for her. It is higher than brotherly love; it is like the love God offers us. There is no good translation for it. It is the husband's responsibility to love his wife this way to make her feel safe and cherished. He should also provide for his family, financially and in other ways.
The wife should submit to her husband. This is not like we think of "submission" in modern times, where a woman simply bows to her husband's will. Instead, she is charged with respecting him and his will (which of course needs to be aligned with God's will). When things come up in their marriage, they will discuss it because they are partners and they need to pray about major decisions together. But if the husband feels especially strongly, the wife should bow to his will and allow him to make the decision. By the same decision, if the wife feels especially strongly, if they feel she is right based on their prayers, the husband should love her and allow her to do things her way. Submission doesn't mean she lets her husband walk all over her by any means. A woman is called to ALWAYS respect her husband. She should not speak ill of him in public nor do anything to put him down or hurt his pride. A wife should feel safe with her husband and always loved by him, so that she is free to be herself, while still respecting him. In public (and in heaven), the husband speaks for the family.
I personally find my role very satisfying. I know that at home, I have an equal say (sometimes more than my share!) about how we will raise our children, handle our money, etc. Ben will come to me and say, "This is something that's in my head right now and this is what I think we should do. But I would like your input." We will discuss the issue, and often I agree he is right. If I don't, we discuss until we come to a conclusion we both agree with. So far we haven't had any times where he's had to say, "We can't agree, so we're going with what I say," but if it came to that, it would be my role to allow that to happen. I can trust Ben to be strong for me. So, for example, if there are demands on our family from the outside that I can't handle, Ben can stand up for us and say, "No, my family needs a break right now," and be a barrier between me and whatever is causing stress. I don't have to feel the burden of providing for my family because Ben takes care of it. Instead, of course, I raise our children, which is really MORE work most of the time. :)
I'm sharing my personal views on this because I know a lot of people will see the word "submit" and automatically get upset and say "No! A wife is completely equal to her husband in all ways and that is demeaning to women!" But it really isn't the way we think of submission. The typical view of a submissive wife -- that is, a husband who rules the family very strongly, and the wife who simply stays out of his way and says "Whatever you think is best" and generally seems to have no independent role or voice -- is NOT what the Bible was talking about. The husband needs the wife as much as she needs him. Their roles are just DIFFERENT.
I love one section from the Biblical marriage roles below that I am going to quote it here:
We are always personally striving to do better in our roles as husband and wife. In our culture, it is easy to say, "I would love her more if she were nicer to me" or "I would respect him if he earned it," but that is not what God commands. Sometimes we need to remember that love and respect need to be truly UNCONDITIONAL, as God's love is for us.
Please click on the resources below to learn more. All the hyperlinks are articles!
Resources
Courtship vs. Dating
Agape love
Biblical types of love
Biblical marriage
Christian Marriage
Biblical marriage roles (discusses submission)
Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat/Baker
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs / Thomas Nelson
Do you subscribe to courtship and Biblical marriage? Why or why not? What do you believe about marriage?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Now we've discussed several other issues surrounding Biblical relationships and families, so it's time to talk about courtship and marriage! I'm presenting these themes as they appear in the Biblical the teachings of Bible scholars. They represent an "ideal" situation, but are by no means the only way to approach relationships and marriage. They're also not my opinion (in most cases), but Biblical teachings, nor am I judging anyone who chooses a different way.
Courtship is a Biblical way of selecting a mate that heavily involves parents and which takes the place of dating. Traditional courtship happens when two people spend some time together within a group and/or with their parents as chaperones, and are never alone. They do not engage in any physical relationship (not even kissing) until they are married. Both young adults pray for God's guidance in selecting a mate, and discuss their ideas with their parents, who will either approve or deny the match. The man must then ask the woman's father's permission to propose to her. Only if the father gives it can the man propose to the woman. Then, once the couple is married, they leave their parents' homes and go to their own, where they begin their marriage together. Their first kiss is on their wedding day!
There are couples who, today, still strive for courtship. Not all families are so strict about it, though some are. Josh and Anna Duggar practiced courtship this strict, and I believe all the Duggar children are required to do so (although I don't know; I've only read Josh and Anna's story). Others are less strict but still believe strongly in courtship. That is, the goal of having the entire family involved in the selection of a mate and parents functioning as chaperones on at least early dates. It is also important that no courting take place until both the man and woman are fully grown and at a point in their lives where they are ready to have an adult relationship and a potential marriage. "Dating" happens as early as age 12 or 13 for some; there is no potential for an adult relationship or a marriage at that age. Courtship holds that early dating is pointless for that reason. Children should be children, and should not worry about relationships with the opposite sex until they are mature enough for marriage (this is not to say that they shouldn't have FRIENDSHIPS with the opposite sex!).
A typical (less strict) courtship may go like this (as my understanding; some of you may know better than I do): A man and a woman meet each other and become friends. Both are adults and feel they are ready to enter into marriage, if God leads them in that direction (and will be praying about this). They discuss their thoughts and ideas with their parents as well as praying that God will show them if the other person is the the "one." The man is prepared to marry -- that is, he has a good job and a home so that he can take care of his bride independently. The man asks the woman's father's permission to court her. If he gets permission, he will come to the woman's parents' house (of course...realistically, she may or may not still be living with her parents, but that's traditional) to pick her up and take her out. They may be chaperoned, or may not, but the date won't go late and there will be no sexual contact (some say hugging and holding hands is okay; some may say kissing is okay but this is less likely, especially at first). This may continue for awhile but the families will be paying attention. The couple will probably spend a lot of time in groups with friends, siblings, and their parents, so that the whole family knows the man/woman (both families know both). When the man is ready to propose, he will go privately to the woman's father and ask for her permission. Then, he will propose to the woman. Assuming she accepts, their "real" relationship begins and they plan the wedding (that is, they are viewed as betrothed and exclusive and it's considered a relationship, not just a courtship. Some couples may decide that some physical contact, like kissing, is acceptable at this point. Some may not. On their wedding day, they are married and they leave their fathers and mothers and go to one another, and are united as husband and wife (there are Bible verses about exactly this). At this point they are independent, married, and sexual contact is then permitted.
There is a Biblical basis for courtship. I am going to link to several sites in a "resources" section at the bottom so that you can read about it further if you're interested.
The reason that I believe a model similar to this is best is because a lot of teenagers waste a lot of time and energy on relationships that won't pan out. They spend time and money going on dates and having boyfriends and girlfriends and making plans for the future that completely change when and if they break up with that boyfriend or girlfriend. (Someone I know selected a college based on the fact that their significant other attended there, even though that college didn't have the intended major. So the entire career path and course of this person's life changed because of this relationship. They broke up a year later and now this person is thinking about revising the plan a bit, but I feel has lost a few years and the opportunity to do what was REALLY desired.) God doesn't want us to suffer like that. He also doesn't want our focus shifted from the task of growing up and discovering who we are as people, and becoming mature adults before we enter into relationships. So many teens are "one person" when they enter into a relationship at age 15, and totally different when they exit at age 17! Adolescents change SO fast, and they need to. For that reason, dating and marriage really should not enter their lives until they are mostly grown and ready for it.
Our goal for our children will be a modified courtship. We're not going to chaperone all their dates. We're not going to forbid them from ever kissing (though if any choose not to, we will certainly support that choice). We will want to meet the person they are seeing when they first want to have dates (and we will require them to be 18 before they can have true "dates" -- prior to that time, they will be able to go on group dates and have friendships with members of the opposite sex, but not relationships), and we will want men to come to us to ask permission before proposing to any of our daughters. And we hope that our sons will come and let us know they plan to propose, and then seek the woman's father's permission before doing so! We want to get to know all our future daughters-in-law and sons-in-law very well both before and after they are married.
Once courtship is complete and you are married, then what? God has a plan for marriage, too. I'll link to several articles on a Godly design for marriage below, too, but based on the studies we've done (premarital counseling, sets of CDs of pastors talking about marriage, a series in our church we heard live, some books we've read, the Bible itself of course), I will try to explain what we believe and try to practice.
The husband is the head of the family. He submits himself to God and Christ, and he is the family's spiritual leader. He is commanded to "agape" love his wife (which is a very special kind of love). This means, basically, that he is selfless and self-sacrificing for her, that he loves her as Christ loves him, and that nothing ever stops or changes his love for her. It is higher than brotherly love; it is like the love God offers us. There is no good translation for it. It is the husband's responsibility to love his wife this way to make her feel safe and cherished. He should also provide for his family, financially and in other ways.
The wife should submit to her husband. This is not like we think of "submission" in modern times, where a woman simply bows to her husband's will. Instead, she is charged with respecting him and his will (which of course needs to be aligned with God's will). When things come up in their marriage, they will discuss it because they are partners and they need to pray about major decisions together. But if the husband feels especially strongly, the wife should bow to his will and allow him to make the decision. By the same decision, if the wife feels especially strongly, if they feel she is right based on their prayers, the husband should love her and allow her to do things her way. Submission doesn't mean she lets her husband walk all over her by any means. A woman is called to ALWAYS respect her husband. She should not speak ill of him in public nor do anything to put him down or hurt his pride. A wife should feel safe with her husband and always loved by him, so that she is free to be herself, while still respecting him. In public (and in heaven), the husband speaks for the family.
I personally find my role very satisfying. I know that at home, I have an equal say (sometimes more than my share!) about how we will raise our children, handle our money, etc. Ben will come to me and say, "This is something that's in my head right now and this is what I think we should do. But I would like your input." We will discuss the issue, and often I agree he is right. If I don't, we discuss until we come to a conclusion we both agree with. So far we haven't had any times where he's had to say, "We can't agree, so we're going with what I say," but if it came to that, it would be my role to allow that to happen. I can trust Ben to be strong for me. So, for example, if there are demands on our family from the outside that I can't handle, Ben can stand up for us and say, "No, my family needs a break right now," and be a barrier between me and whatever is causing stress. I don't have to feel the burden of providing for my family because Ben takes care of it. Instead, of course, I raise our children, which is really MORE work most of the time. :)
I'm sharing my personal views on this because I know a lot of people will see the word "submit" and automatically get upset and say "No! A wife is completely equal to her husband in all ways and that is demeaning to women!" But it really isn't the way we think of submission. The typical view of a submissive wife -- that is, a husband who rules the family very strongly, and the wife who simply stays out of his way and says "Whatever you think is best" and generally seems to have no independent role or voice -- is NOT what the Bible was talking about. The husband needs the wife as much as she needs him. Their roles are just DIFFERENT.
I love one section from the Biblical marriage roles below that I am going to quote it here:
Let's put the husband's leadership and the wife's submission in biblical balance:
1. God has given the husband the leadership role for the good of his wife, not as an excuse for him to be proud or selfish, and not as an excuse to treat her as a servant.
Some husbands do not seem to understand that yelling for food or beverage service while they are watching a sports event on TV and while their wives are scrubbing the kitchen floors on their hands and knees does not reflect biblical truth in balance.
2. God has not said the husband must, or should, make all decisions in his family. If a husband wants to please God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he will delegate some decision making to her--she has brains too.
3. God has not said that the husband must make decisions without obtaining input from his wife--she has brains, too.
4. God has not said that the husband must make decisions according to his wishes, nor even according to his wisdom. Instead he must make decisions that are best for his wife.
I think that really sums up how God views marriage, or at least the role of love and respect. It actually goes on with several more excellent points, but I'm not going to post the whole thing here. Read it, it really is a great resource!We are always personally striving to do better in our roles as husband and wife. In our culture, it is easy to say, "I would love her more if she were nicer to me" or "I would respect him if he earned it," but that is not what God commands. Sometimes we need to remember that love and respect need to be truly UNCONDITIONAL, as God's love is for us.
Please click on the resources below to learn more. All the hyperlinks are articles!
Resources
Courtship vs. Dating
Agape love
Biblical types of love
Biblical marriage
Christian Marriage
Biblical marriage roles (discusses submission)
Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat/Baker
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs / Thomas Nelson
Do you subscribe to courtship and Biblical marriage? Why or why not? What do you believe about marriage?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Bloggy Business
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
I thought, since I've had so many "big" posts lately (you can check them out if you haven't), I would take today to do an easier post. One that doesn't invite quite so much controversy. :) I'll get back to those controversial subjects soon! Starting on Friday, actually, with more coming up next week. Bear with me, and please feel free to leave your (reasonable) disagreements on those posts!
First, if you haven't filled out my reader survey yet and you would be willing to, please do so! It helps know who you are (anonymously) and what you like to read on here. I'm considering making some changes so this would be really helpful!
One change -- Health News Tuesdays. Do you like it? Hate it? Wish it took a different format? Let me know what you think about that! What would you like to see it changed to?
Recipes on Thursdays -- love it, hate it? Wish there were more? Need more "real food" type posts?
Meal planning/grocery shopping -- I posted on this only once, but would more examples be helpful? A weekly meal plan that got sent to your email? What would be helpful to you?
Are there any other types of posts you would like to see? Other suggestions?
Comments -- I'm seriously considering switching to registered users only (OpenID will be an option). What does everyone think about that? (This is because all my usual and good commentors -- and that includes ones who disagree with me, lol! -- usually use their names, while some of the comments I haven't been able to post have all come from anonymous users. I'm hoping it will discourage that!)
Finally...announcement!! On March 1st, we will be launching a new site, a new blog host! It's not quite ready yet, but we're working hard. At that point, we'll have tons of new features for you! Mark it down, because that's just one exciting thing happening here in March! More to come next week....
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
I thought, since I've had so many "big" posts lately (you can check them out if you haven't), I would take today to do an easier post. One that doesn't invite quite so much controversy. :) I'll get back to those controversial subjects soon! Starting on Friday, actually, with more coming up next week. Bear with me, and please feel free to leave your (reasonable) disagreements on those posts!
First, if you haven't filled out my reader survey yet and you would be willing to, please do so! It helps know who you are (anonymously) and what you like to read on here. I'm considering making some changes so this would be really helpful!
One change -- Health News Tuesdays. Do you like it? Hate it? Wish it took a different format? Let me know what you think about that! What would you like to see it changed to?
Recipes on Thursdays -- love it, hate it? Wish there were more? Need more "real food" type posts?
Meal planning/grocery shopping -- I posted on this only once, but would more examples be helpful? A weekly meal plan that got sent to your email? What would be helpful to you?
Are there any other types of posts you would like to see? Other suggestions?
Comments -- I'm seriously considering switching to registered users only (OpenID will be an option). What does everyone think about that? (This is because all my usual and good commentors -- and that includes ones who disagree with me, lol! -- usually use their names, while some of the comments I haven't been able to post have all come from anonymous users. I'm hoping it will discourage that!)
Finally...announcement!! On March 1st, we will be launching a new site, a new blog host! It's not quite ready yet, but we're working hard. At that point, we'll have tons of new features for you! Mark it down, because that's just one exciting thing happening here in March! More to come next week....
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sexual Purity
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Sexual purity is a really difficult topic in today's world. A lot of people believe that sex before marriage is not wrong. Some even believe that you SHOULD have sex before marriage to see if you are "compatible!" Unfortunately, loose morals (i.e. sleeping with everyone who makes it to the "third date," one-night stands, etc.) have led to rampant STDs, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and other negative consequences. Clearly, what the world considers 'right' is not necessarily good. There are also significant emotional consequences to premarital sex, which no one is discussing at all.
First, we'll turn to the Bible for what it says about sex before marriage.
It is pretty clear, especially from the last quote, that God intended sex only for married people. Paul, in writing to the Corinthians, recommends that if they are consumed by desire for sex, they should get married rather than sin by having sex outside marriage.
This is not an impossible standard to reach. However, the boundaries must be absolutely clear. There is no waffling around, no "what-if" situations. People (including pastors) are afraid to say, "Sex is for married people. Not for engaged people. Not for people who are in love. Not for anyone who uses a condom. But only for married people." This is not 'to each his own.' This is, the Bible and God clearly state, "No sex before marriage."
It's not easy, of course. And it's not supposed to be. In a culture that wants instant gratification, it seems impossible to be truly in love with someone and have a strong desire for sex, and yet NOT do it. However, it is the right thing to do. It also better, truly, because when you get married and give yourselves to each other for the first time, it is an amazing experience. It's also true that plenty of people have slept with people they loved and "hoped" to marry, but ultimately didn't marry. It is easy to get hurt in a situation like this because sex is something that is not only physical, but extremely emotional. When married people have sex, they have already made a true physical, mental, and emotional commitment to one another and there is the trust required to have a sexual relationship. But when people are not married and not committed to each other, having a sexual relationship can make things weird. The absolute love, trust, and COMMITMENT are necessary to a sexual relationship.
All of this is why we will be teaching our children about purity. We will not be telling them "We hope you don't have sex before marriage, but if you do, at least get some birth control." This is wrong, and it also sends a very mixed message. Instead, we'll be very open with them about sexuality and God's plan for it. We'll let them know from a young age that God gave sex as a gift to married people, and that is is an extremely emotional and spiritual act, a special way for married people to connect. We'll also let them know that it's where babies come from (although opinions on this vary, I will have no problem telling Bekah if she asks next time I'm pregnant, despite that she is only 2. I don't believe you need long explanations but I don't believe you should hide it, either). We will be willing to discuss any of our children's concerns with them about being in relationships, being in love, how hard it is to wait, why we believe in waiting, and what the sexual relationship should be like within marriage.
It's hard to teach kids about purity when a lot of their friends are telling them something different, and certainly all of the media is telling them that sex is okay, great, and that they're missing out. It's important to discuss sex with your children and set the bar high. I'm not going to go into great detail about this issue, however, because I don't have kids old enough to have reached this point in their lives, so I'm not entirely sure how we will handle it. I know what we will discuss and teach, but I can't say specifically how they'll respond. I'd love parents who have had teenagers and chose to teach them about purity to weigh in on this.
It is truly worth it to wait. There are many good resources about sexuality for Christians, which I'll mention at the end.
What about once you are married? Then where does sex fit in?
As I stated above, God gave sex as a gift to married people. It is for procreation, obviously, but it is not ONLY for procreation. It is a special way for married people to connect and love one another. God WANTS married people to have sex!
Let's see what the Bible says about sex within marriage:
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Sexual purity is a really difficult topic in today's world. A lot of people believe that sex before marriage is not wrong. Some even believe that you SHOULD have sex before marriage to see if you are "compatible!" Unfortunately, loose morals (i.e. sleeping with everyone who makes it to the "third date," one-night stands, etc.) have led to rampant STDs, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and other negative consequences. Clearly, what the world considers 'right' is not necessarily good. There are also significant emotional consequences to premarital sex, which no one is discussing at all.
First, we'll turn to the Bible for what it says about sex before marriage.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (TNIV, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; (TNIV, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (NIV, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9)It is pretty clear, especially from the last quote, that God intended sex only for married people. Paul, in writing to the Corinthians, recommends that if they are consumed by desire for sex, they should get married rather than sin by having sex outside marriage.
This is not an impossible standard to reach. However, the boundaries must be absolutely clear. There is no waffling around, no "what-if" situations. People (including pastors) are afraid to say, "Sex is for married people. Not for engaged people. Not for people who are in love. Not for anyone who uses a condom. But only for married people." This is not 'to each his own.' This is, the Bible and God clearly state, "No sex before marriage."
It's not easy, of course. And it's not supposed to be. In a culture that wants instant gratification, it seems impossible to be truly in love with someone and have a strong desire for sex, and yet NOT do it. However, it is the right thing to do. It also better, truly, because when you get married and give yourselves to each other for the first time, it is an amazing experience. It's also true that plenty of people have slept with people they loved and "hoped" to marry, but ultimately didn't marry. It is easy to get hurt in a situation like this because sex is something that is not only physical, but extremely emotional. When married people have sex, they have already made a true physical, mental, and emotional commitment to one another and there is the trust required to have a sexual relationship. But when people are not married and not committed to each other, having a sexual relationship can make things weird. The absolute love, trust, and COMMITMENT are necessary to a sexual relationship.
All of this is why we will be teaching our children about purity. We will not be telling them "We hope you don't have sex before marriage, but if you do, at least get some birth control." This is wrong, and it also sends a very mixed message. Instead, we'll be very open with them about sexuality and God's plan for it. We'll let them know from a young age that God gave sex as a gift to married people, and that is is an extremely emotional and spiritual act, a special way for married people to connect. We'll also let them know that it's where babies come from (although opinions on this vary, I will have no problem telling Bekah if she asks next time I'm pregnant, despite that she is only 2. I don't believe you need long explanations but I don't believe you should hide it, either). We will be willing to discuss any of our children's concerns with them about being in relationships, being in love, how hard it is to wait, why we believe in waiting, and what the sexual relationship should be like within marriage.
It's hard to teach kids about purity when a lot of their friends are telling them something different, and certainly all of the media is telling them that sex is okay, great, and that they're missing out. It's important to discuss sex with your children and set the bar high. I'm not going to go into great detail about this issue, however, because I don't have kids old enough to have reached this point in their lives, so I'm not entirely sure how we will handle it. I know what we will discuss and teach, but I can't say specifically how they'll respond. I'd love parents who have had teenagers and chose to teach them about purity to weigh in on this.
It is truly worth it to wait. There are many good resources about sexuality for Christians, which I'll mention at the end.
What about once you are married? Then where does sex fit in?
As I stated above, God gave sex as a gift to married people. It is for procreation, obviously, but it is not ONLY for procreation. It is a special way for married people to connect and love one another. God WANTS married people to have sex!
Let's see what the Bible says about sex within marriage:
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (English Standard Version, 1 Corinthians 7:1-5)
It is clear that, first, God again says "sex should only occur within marriage." But read the last sentence of the quote carefully: "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time..." God wishes married people to have sex on a regular basis, to stave off temptation. It is not good for married people to abstain from sex for a long period of time, because they can drift apart from one another and find themselves tempted by extra-marital affairs. And most of us are aware that MANY affairs begin when a married couple are too busy with children, work, or other outside interests to connect emotionally and sexually, so one or both partners look outside the relationship for gratification.
Since one of the purposes of getting married is to have sex (and children), then people should have sex when they are married, unless there is a temporary reason why they cannot. They should not refuse each other so that both feel satisfied. It is a pleasure and a gift for married people.
Within marriage, infidelity is never okay. Continued marital relations should help to avoid infidelity. Frequent sexual fantasies are considered infidelity too (about someone other than your own spouse, of course). Beyond what is forbidden in and outside of marriage, and that husbands and wives should enjoy regular sex, there is not much more that the Bible specifically says about sex. To that end, people should enjoy sex with their husband or wife and remain in constant communication about what they need and want.
Check out some of the resources I've listed below if you are wanting to learn more about this issue (what the Bible says about sex). Kay Arthur is a good resource.
How do you feel about sexual purity? What will you teach your children?
Bible Verses on Premarital Sex
What Does the Bible Say about Sex by Kay Arthur
Sex According to God: How to Walk with Purity in a World of Temptation by Kay Arthur
The Truth About Sex: What the World Won't Tell You and God Wants you to Know by Kay Arthur
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Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Pacifier Use
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I know using pacifiers has been hotly debated. I've debated plenty with myself. But, with the recent experience we had, I felt I should weigh in.
On another blog I recently read, someone said "If you have only one kid and that kid slept well since birth, I don't want your advice [on how to get kids to sleep]." Well, I sure don't fall into that category, since I have two kids -- one who started (usually) sleeping through the night at 22 months and one who, at 5.5 months, still wakes up 6 - 8 times per night! Which, I recently realized, I actually trained him to do....
Enter the pacifier debate.
My first took a pacifier for only about 2 months. She took it while I was pumping and bottle feeding the first 6 weeks, but once I got her directly on the breast, she really didn't want much to do with it, so we just kind of took it away. This didn't stop her from having "trouble" sleeping (though what was 'trouble' to me then, how I'd wish for it now!! She woke usually once per night until 8 months, when allergies started to become an issue -- another story for another time -- but I was under the impression then that babies over 2 months old slept 8 straight hours...hahahahaha).
Now, Daniel...I didn't want to give him a pacifier. Really. But when he was only a couple days old, Ben got up and took him after his last "night" feed (7 am or so) and then let me sleep in and recover. When Daniel woke up and cried, Ben gave him a pacifier instead of bringing him to me to feed. This never caused nipple confusion or anything like that, so I let it go on. Then it became...we used the pacifier to help him fall asleep at night (because, after all, once he was *mostly* asleep he'd spit it out and sleep the rest of the night fine without it). Then we used it to keep him quiet for just a minute while Bekah was whining, dinner was burning, and I was trying to fold laundry all at once. Then in the car when we couldn't get to him right away. Then any time we wanted him to go to sleep or be quiet, assuming he was fed, changed, etc. It wasn't -- usually -- my automatic reaction to just stick a pacifier in his mouth, unless I was only a minute from finishing up a chore and he was ready to eat too soon.
But, despite my desire not to use a pacifier, we started to use it too much. And then, worse, we started to actually train him to wake up and require a pacifier to get back to sleep. I didn't realize this until today, exactly how it had happened, but now I see it. (We've already taken the pacifier away, the morning of Dec. 29.) I'm going to explain it so you understand my position on pacifier use.
At 3.5 months, Daniel started a huge growth spurt. He was fussy, and he woke every 1.5 - 2 hours wanting to eat. It was a rough week, but I got him and fed him every time. Once he settled -- precariously -- into a new nightly schedule (eating at 11, 2, 5, and sleeping with me starting at 6 until we got up), I occasionally gave him a pacifier to help him settle after eating if he was acting fussy. This continued for weeks. Months, now. Then, by 5 months, I was starting to get VERY impatient with the waking-every-hour act, so I started giving him his pacifier if it hadn't been at least 2 hours, sometimes 3, since his last feeding. I was also giving him a pacifier during the day if it hadn't been at least 2 hours since his last feeding (I never let him go more than 2 hours if he was fussy). Most of the time, this bought me an extra 30 - 40 minutes before he'd need to eat. This seemed like a good deal -- for awhile.
Then, in the last week (of December), Daniel has woken every 30 - 40 minutes almost all night. He always wants the pacifier and has an impossible time settling back to sleep without it. Sometimes I even try to feed him and he gets mad...because he isn't hungry, he only wants the pacifier. By giving it to him when he was hungry before, it taught him he could -- and should -- suck to fall asleep, and that he needed his pacifier. So every time his sleep lightened, or he was uncomfortable, he'd want his pacifier back. This meant sometimes I was looking at the clock at 12, 1, 2, 3...and wondering if I'd actually gotten any sleep or if I'd just imagined it. We even tried putting him in his own room, hoping that without our sleep noises, he'd sleep better. Nope -- same schedule. Each night he was back in my room, either in his bassinet or my bed by 2 or 3 am, when I got tired of running up and down the hall (average: 5 trips to his room before I brought him into mine).
It had to stop. I got so sleep deprived, it was ridiculous. But I realized I really did teach him to
wake at night. I used the pacifier as a soother, to make him sleep longer, so he began to associate it with falling asleep. I had used it during the day or night during growth spurts, when he really did need a little snack or "top off" just 30 minutes after his last meal. So, he wasn't getting quite enough to eat during the day sometimes (despite feeding mainly demand) and he was making up for it at night...then getting into the habit of needing the pacifier to settle back to sleep. Vicious cycle.
So we went cold turkey on the pacifier. No more. On the first day, we put him down for a nap with a crib toy he can turn on and off himself (i.e. he doesn't require my help at night to soothe) and he fell asleep! No fussing! (We've been reading the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, and are using ideas from it, plus doing some things of our own.) Later that day he got so tired before his next nap that Ben gave him the pacifier to help him settle (even cuddled in my arms, at my breast, he just screamed and thrashed). Oh well. After that, he fell asleep twice in the car without a pacifier. Then, our biggest success, after he'd nursed before bedtime, he fell asleep in my arms. Typically he'd continue to root at me or fuss and squirm until he was given a pacifier. This time he looked around; at the TV, then at me; then he tried to suck his fingers and the blanket, and eventually just relaxed himself and gently drifted off. This was REALLY great.
After that, well...he did spend about half the night sleeping with me. But it was really hot in my room and once I realized how much and made him cooler he slept better on his own. The next day I fed him more often, and gently rocked him for five minutes or so before laying him down (awake) for a nap. He simply sucked on his hands or arm (gave himself a hickey, lol) and played with his crib toy before falling quietly asleep.
I have hope that we will break this sucking-to-sleep problem and that within a couple of weeks, he'll be sleeping quietly in 4-hour stretches (and later, longer, but hey, 4 straight hours would be FABULOUS right now!) in his own room and he won't need settled in between. I think he'll also be able to go down for naps quietly and easily, just the way he did today. I also feel much more in tune with him and his needs now that I don't have a pacifier to use -- even as a last resort.
Side note on sleeping: It really IS possible to re-train your baby to sleep well without ANY crying. You don't have to "Ferberize" the baby or use any form of cry-it-out, modified or otherwise. I realized that by trying to be super-responsive to Daniel's needs, I had trained him to wake too often. I also realized that I could gently undo it without leaving him to cry. I was so torn for so long because I really WANTED to respond to his every need, but I also needed more sleep! This gentle, absolutely no-cry sleep solution (you can find much more in Pantley's book) really works and works with the baby's needs, not against them for the parents' convenience.
So, my opinion on pacifiers? If you can possibly avoid it, just don't use them. There will be kids that do just fine with them and sleep through the night and don't care if they drop them. There will be kids who scream and scream unless they're given one, especially kids suffering from colic (if that's your baby...investigate food allergies as a possible cause, otherwise, I am very sorry). And I know what all the research says..."it helps prevent SIDS"..."it causes kids to need braces"...etc. I don't need to summarize that for you here.
I think that using pacifiers, no matter how well you intend to use them (as I did), it's easy to fall into "just take this for one minute while I finish this..." or "I know you're tired, just take it and go to sleep" etc. If you must use them, take them away by 3 months or your baby will get used to it. I think you will find yourself a better and more responsive parent if you don't use the pacifier and have to find alternate, more hands-on ways to soothe your baby.
This is coming from hard-earned experience and many lost nights of sleep. There is no judgment here. Just what I have learned through having two different children and two different experiences.
Do you use pacifiers? Why or why not?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
I know using pacifiers has been hotly debated. I've debated plenty with myself. But, with the recent experience we had, I felt I should weigh in.
On another blog I recently read, someone said "If you have only one kid and that kid slept well since birth, I don't want your advice [on how to get kids to sleep]." Well, I sure don't fall into that category, since I have two kids -- one who started (usually) sleeping through the night at 22 months and one who, at 5.5 months, still wakes up 6 - 8 times per night! Which, I recently realized, I actually trained him to do....
Enter the pacifier debate.
My first took a pacifier for only about 2 months. She took it while I was pumping and bottle feeding the first 6 weeks, but once I got her directly on the breast, she really didn't want much to do with it, so we just kind of took it away. This didn't stop her from having "trouble" sleeping (though what was 'trouble' to me then, how I'd wish for it now!! She woke usually once per night until 8 months, when allergies started to become an issue -- another story for another time -- but I was under the impression then that babies over 2 months old slept 8 straight hours...hahahahaha).
Now, Daniel...I didn't want to give him a pacifier. Really. But when he was only a couple days old, Ben got up and took him after his last "night" feed (7 am or so) and then let me sleep in and recover. When Daniel woke up and cried, Ben gave him a pacifier instead of bringing him to me to feed. This never caused nipple confusion or anything like that, so I let it go on. Then it became...we used the pacifier to help him fall asleep at night (because, after all, once he was *mostly* asleep he'd spit it out and sleep the rest of the night fine without it). Then we used it to keep him quiet for just a minute while Bekah was whining, dinner was burning, and I was trying to fold laundry all at once. Then in the car when we couldn't get to him right away. Then any time we wanted him to go to sleep or be quiet, assuming he was fed, changed, etc. It wasn't -- usually -- my automatic reaction to just stick a pacifier in his mouth, unless I was only a minute from finishing up a chore and he was ready to eat too soon.
But, despite my desire not to use a pacifier, we started to use it too much. And then, worse, we started to actually train him to wake up and require a pacifier to get back to sleep. I didn't realize this until today, exactly how it had happened, but now I see it. (We've already taken the pacifier away, the morning of Dec. 29.) I'm going to explain it so you understand my position on pacifier use.
At 3.5 months, Daniel started a huge growth spurt. He was fussy, and he woke every 1.5 - 2 hours wanting to eat. It was a rough week, but I got him and fed him every time. Once he settled -- precariously -- into a new nightly schedule (eating at 11, 2, 5, and sleeping with me starting at 6 until we got up), I occasionally gave him a pacifier to help him settle after eating if he was acting fussy. This continued for weeks. Months, now. Then, by 5 months, I was starting to get VERY impatient with the waking-every-hour act, so I started giving him his pacifier if it hadn't been at least 2 hours, sometimes 3, since his last feeding. I was also giving him a pacifier during the day if it hadn't been at least 2 hours since his last feeding (I never let him go more than 2 hours if he was fussy). Most of the time, this bought me an extra 30 - 40 minutes before he'd need to eat. This seemed like a good deal -- for awhile.
Then, in the last week (of December), Daniel has woken every 30 - 40 minutes almost all night. He always wants the pacifier and has an impossible time settling back to sleep without it. Sometimes I even try to feed him and he gets mad...because he isn't hungry, he only wants the pacifier. By giving it to him when he was hungry before, it taught him he could -- and should -- suck to fall asleep, and that he needed his pacifier. So every time his sleep lightened, or he was uncomfortable, he'd want his pacifier back. This meant sometimes I was looking at the clock at 12, 1, 2, 3...and wondering if I'd actually gotten any sleep or if I'd just imagined it. We even tried putting him in his own room, hoping that without our sleep noises, he'd sleep better. Nope -- same schedule. Each night he was back in my room, either in his bassinet or my bed by 2 or 3 am, when I got tired of running up and down the hall (average: 5 trips to his room before I brought him into mine).
It had to stop. I got so sleep deprived, it was ridiculous. But I realized I really did teach him to
wake at night. I used the pacifier as a soother, to make him sleep longer, so he began to associate it with falling asleep. I had used it during the day or night during growth spurts, when he really did need a little snack or "top off" just 30 minutes after his last meal. So, he wasn't getting quite enough to eat during the day sometimes (despite feeding mainly demand) and he was making up for it at night...then getting into the habit of needing the pacifier to settle back to sleep. Vicious cycle.
So we went cold turkey on the pacifier. No more. On the first day, we put him down for a nap with a crib toy he can turn on and off himself (i.e. he doesn't require my help at night to soothe) and he fell asleep! No fussing! (We've been reading the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, and are using ideas from it, plus doing some things of our own.) Later that day he got so tired before his next nap that Ben gave him the pacifier to help him settle (even cuddled in my arms, at my breast, he just screamed and thrashed). Oh well. After that, he fell asleep twice in the car without a pacifier. Then, our biggest success, after he'd nursed before bedtime, he fell asleep in my arms. Typically he'd continue to root at me or fuss and squirm until he was given a pacifier. This time he looked around; at the TV, then at me; then he tried to suck his fingers and the blanket, and eventually just relaxed himself and gently drifted off. This was REALLY great.
After that, well...he did spend about half the night sleeping with me. But it was really hot in my room and once I realized how much and made him cooler he slept better on his own. The next day I fed him more often, and gently rocked him for five minutes or so before laying him down (awake) for a nap. He simply sucked on his hands or arm (gave himself a hickey, lol) and played with his crib toy before falling quietly asleep.
I have hope that we will break this sucking-to-sleep problem and that within a couple of weeks, he'll be sleeping quietly in 4-hour stretches (and later, longer, but hey, 4 straight hours would be FABULOUS right now!) in his own room and he won't need settled in between. I think he'll also be able to go down for naps quietly and easily, just the way he did today. I also feel much more in tune with him and his needs now that I don't have a pacifier to use -- even as a last resort.
Side note on sleeping: It really IS possible to re-train your baby to sleep well without ANY crying. You don't have to "Ferberize" the baby or use any form of cry-it-out, modified or otherwise. I realized that by trying to be super-responsive to Daniel's needs, I had trained him to wake too often. I also realized that I could gently undo it without leaving him to cry. I was so torn for so long because I really WANTED to respond to his every need, but I also needed more sleep! This gentle, absolutely no-cry sleep solution (you can find much more in Pantley's book) really works and works with the baby's needs, not against them for the parents' convenience.
So, my opinion on pacifiers? If you can possibly avoid it, just don't use them. There will be kids that do just fine with them and sleep through the night and don't care if they drop them. There will be kids who scream and scream unless they're given one, especially kids suffering from colic (if that's your baby...investigate food allergies as a possible cause, otherwise, I am very sorry). And I know what all the research says..."it helps prevent SIDS"..."it causes kids to need braces"...etc. I don't need to summarize that for you here.
I think that using pacifiers, no matter how well you intend to use them (as I did), it's easy to fall into "just take this for one minute while I finish this..." or "I know you're tired, just take it and go to sleep" etc. If you must use them, take them away by 3 months or your baby will get used to it. I think you will find yourself a better and more responsive parent if you don't use the pacifier and have to find alternate, more hands-on ways to soothe your baby.
This is coming from hard-earned experience and many lost nights of sleep. There is no judgment here. Just what I have learned through having two different children and two different experiences.
Do you use pacifiers? Why or why not?
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Monday, February 1, 2010
The End of an Era
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Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Today, the music school I've owned and run for over three years has closed its doors. It is the end of an era.
I thought I'd use this opportunity to tell you a little about what happened, and why, and where I'm planning to go from here.
I opened my music school in the fall of 2006, after Ben and I were married. I was so excited! I had said a year earlier I wanted to wait until I was in my 40s and my kids were not little before opening it, but I got too excited and started (much) sooner. I had experience working with children with autism and I also was mostly finished with my degree in music, so I decided to go ahead with it.
About April 2007, I started to get several students. Enough that when I found out I was pregnant in May, I hired another teacher to help me and to take my students when Bekah was born. I had 20 or so in January 2008. At that point I was completely into teaching -- holding recitals, special classes, summer camps, etc.
But after Bekah was born my perspective began to change. Suddenly I wanted to spend more time with her and doing other projects, and less time teaching. I did start teaching again when she was only 5 weeks old, but I was only a floor away from her (she didn't like it -- she screamed the whole time, even when Ben was holding her).
That summer I even hired a babysitter to come in and watch Bekah while I was teaching (the only time -- other than my childbirth education classes before Daniel was born, when I had one of my friends come watch her -- that I ever hired a babysitter). But I didn't like being away from her and it was increasingly becoming a struggle to keep my attention focused on the business. Despite that, we had our most successful Open House ever in August 2008.
After I found out I was pregnant with Daniel, things started to go downhill. By early 2009, I'd had some staff turn over, and there was more to come. I wasn't paying much attention to new student inquiries or following up with them as I should. Students were starting to leave but not being replaced. As Daniel's birth approached, all but one of my students quit (for varying reasons; they knew I was leaving, of course). In May 2009, I planned the spring Open House -- and NO ONE came. It was then I said, "Okay, God, you're clearly leading me in a new direction." But I held onto the business, increasingly apathetic, until recently.
At the beginning of this year, there were only about 5 students left, and only one mine. The aggravation of dealing with students and parents and staff wasn't worth it anymore. The loss of space (we have a designated music room) wasn't worth it. So we made the decision to close our doors as of February 1st. Today.
My music school is closed, but I'm ready to move on. I have so many projects happening now!
Many of you saw the breastfeeding survey a couple weeks ago (and some of you took it -- thanks!). I did that because I'm currently pursuing certification as a lactation specialist and a childbirth educator through CAPPA. These are jobs I can do from home (primarily), and around my children. Sometimes even WITH my children! I'm very excited about this. More details about the certification process and some of the life changes that are coming along with it are coming up soon.
What is going on in your life now? Have you ever had a dream that changed?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Today, the music school I've owned and run for over three years has closed its doors. It is the end of an era.
I thought I'd use this opportunity to tell you a little about what happened, and why, and where I'm planning to go from here.
I opened my music school in the fall of 2006, after Ben and I were married. I was so excited! I had said a year earlier I wanted to wait until I was in my 40s and my kids were not little before opening it, but I got too excited and started (much) sooner. I had experience working with children with autism and I also was mostly finished with my degree in music, so I decided to go ahead with it.
About April 2007, I started to get several students. Enough that when I found out I was pregnant in May, I hired another teacher to help me and to take my students when Bekah was born. I had 20 or so in January 2008. At that point I was completely into teaching -- holding recitals, special classes, summer camps, etc.
But after Bekah was born my perspective began to change. Suddenly I wanted to spend more time with her and doing other projects, and less time teaching. I did start teaching again when she was only 5 weeks old, but I was only a floor away from her (she didn't like it -- she screamed the whole time, even when Ben was holding her).
That summer I even hired a babysitter to come in and watch Bekah while I was teaching (the only time -- other than my childbirth education classes before Daniel was born, when I had one of my friends come watch her -- that I ever hired a babysitter). But I didn't like being away from her and it was increasingly becoming a struggle to keep my attention focused on the business. Despite that, we had our most successful Open House ever in August 2008.
After I found out I was pregnant with Daniel, things started to go downhill. By early 2009, I'd had some staff turn over, and there was more to come. I wasn't paying much attention to new student inquiries or following up with them as I should. Students were starting to leave but not being replaced. As Daniel's birth approached, all but one of my students quit (for varying reasons; they knew I was leaving, of course). In May 2009, I planned the spring Open House -- and NO ONE came. It was then I said, "Okay, God, you're clearly leading me in a new direction." But I held onto the business, increasingly apathetic, until recently.
At the beginning of this year, there were only about 5 students left, and only one mine. The aggravation of dealing with students and parents and staff wasn't worth it anymore. The loss of space (we have a designated music room) wasn't worth it. So we made the decision to close our doors as of February 1st. Today.
My music school is closed, but I'm ready to move on. I have so many projects happening now!
Many of you saw the breastfeeding survey a couple weeks ago (and some of you took it -- thanks!). I did that because I'm currently pursuing certification as a lactation specialist and a childbirth educator through CAPPA. These are jobs I can do from home (primarily), and around my children. Sometimes even WITH my children! I'm very excited about this. More details about the certification process and some of the life changes that are coming along with it are coming up soon.
What is going on in your life now? Have you ever had a dream that changed?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Personal Financial Responsibility
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**This post has been entered in Frugal Fridays at Life as Mom!**
After recently watching Maxed Out and listening to the different heart-wrenching stories, I got to thinking about all the similarities among the families facing serious debt. The same variables popped up in other documentaries I watched, too, like Sicko. I also noticed that these movies offer a thorough view of the problem, but either only a brief solution or none at all. This has made me passionate to share with you all the parts of what I call "personal financial responsibility."
It may not be easy to do all the things below, initially. But if you seek out Dave Ramsey or a similar plan and start making changes to your life in baby steps (and possibly read some of my previous blogs on money saving and budget making), you CAN do all of these. The steps below are what I consider a minimum to being financially responsible, so that no matter what crisis occurs, what disaster, what economy, you will be stable and secure.
1. Get health insurance
Examine what plans are available to you and select one that covers what you need. Be sure to look for any and all traps: a super-high deductible, long list of "not covered" items, difficulty getting to any specialists or alternative doctors, life time maximum benefits, etc. Ideally, an HSA is a good idea, with a reasonable deductible ($5000 or so), with extremely high life time maximum (over $1 million) or NO life time maximum, and good coverage (covered in all areas, while on vacation, choice of doctors and hospitals, low co-pays or no co-pays for routine care). Even if you are single you CANNOT afford not to have coverage. You could get sick or in an accident at any time and if you do, you need to know you are okay. Especially if you have a family, you need coverage. There is NO excuse for having tons of medical bills if you don't have insurance and could have.
2. Get life insurance
If you are single or childless this may not be a huge deal or necessity. But if you have children and/or are supporting your spouse, you must have it!! If you're single, it's still a good idea to have it to cover funeral costs, though you won't need as much coverage. $500,000 or more is a good idea so that all funeral costs are covered and a few years of living expenses. Remember that if you have children and someone dies (even if it's the stay-at-home parent), there will suddenly be daycare costs and other things you didn't have before, so you NEED it. We have $600,000 on Ben and $400,000 on me.
3. Save up at least $1000 in an emergency fund
This is how you avoid using credit cards for all those little things like your car suddenly needing repairs. You have an emergency fund and you have access to it whenever you really need it. The more you can save, the better, because we all know that sometimes, emergencies are expensive. REALLY expensive. If you don't have an emergency fund (and especially if you also have debt), you're asking for trouble.
4. Create a budget
Where is your money going? Get on a real budget and find out. Keep close track of your money so that you know where every dollar has gone. Most people are surprised to find how much they've really spent in some areas. With a budget, there are no surprises, and chances are you can find a little extra if you need to one month.
5. Reduce spending if necessary to live below your means and/or get another job
If looking at your budget shows that you're currently spending more than you earn (as most do in this country), work hard to reduce your spending so that you are spending LESS than you earn. If that is not possible, take a second job so you earn enough to cover your living expenses. You have to live within your means. If you don't, you're taking a huge gamble and could easily lose it all with just one unfortunate event.
6. Pay off debt: credit cards first, then car loans, then student loans, then mortgage
When your debt is paid off, your money is yours. You don't owe anyone, so if anything comes up, you have all the money you've earned to work with. Owing someone is not a position you want to be in, anyway. Look up what the Bible has to say about owing people money: it isn't pretty!
7. Save up for any future major purchases (cars, furniture, homes)
You will want to have nice stuff, of course. But you don't have to go in debt to do it. Save up money and put it in savings accounts, or CDs, or even other types of investments (depending on how long you have to save and how much the final purchase is). When you do buy the item, it's YOURS. Nothing can happen to it if you lose your job tomorrow. There's no worry over how you'll pay your debt if you don't have any. This is the responsible way to own nice things.
8. Invest for retirement and/or college
Don't expect the government to pay for your retirement (or college, of course). Save up the money and pay for it yourself. Invest your retirement money is high-yield, high-risk stocks if you are under 40; stick with a more conservative plan if you're older (and of course, seek out the advice of a qualified investment manager or stock broker or other expert, because I am not one). You can easily save up enough money to pay for college and get you through retirement easily.
Bonus:
9. Create a larger emergency fund (6 months of living expenses)
If you get laid off and have 6 months worth of living expenses saved up, you don't have to worry at all about finding another job (right away). You'll know that your family is taken care of and you don't even have to cut back at first. You will make that next mortgage payment (if you haven't paid it off), you will have food for your table and gas for your cars. You can put all your energy towards finding the perfect job, instead of worrying how you'll pay your bills.
10. Step up retirement investing
If you've got a large emergency fund, and all your debt paid, go ahead and put even more towards retirement. The worst that can happen is that you'll need it sooner than you've planned, but you don't have to completely deplete your savings to pay for whatever happened (i.e. medical emergency not covered by insurance -- but make sure you have insurance!!).
If you follow the steps above, you CAN live the American dream. Rely on God and yourself first and foremost; NOT your government or other people. Governments can have problems, economies can collapse, people can break promises. If you have insurance and savings and you are living below your means, you will always be safe, even as people around you who have debt and who are living outside their means suddenly feel hopeless when an unexpected financial crisis occurs.
This is just another in our series on personal responsibility.
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
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Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
**This post has been entered in Frugal Fridays at Life as Mom!**
After recently watching Maxed Out and listening to the different heart-wrenching stories, I got to thinking about all the similarities among the families facing serious debt. The same variables popped up in other documentaries I watched, too, like Sicko. I also noticed that these movies offer a thorough view of the problem, but either only a brief solution or none at all. This has made me passionate to share with you all the parts of what I call "personal financial responsibility."
It may not be easy to do all the things below, initially. But if you seek out Dave Ramsey or a similar plan and start making changes to your life in baby steps (and possibly read some of my previous blogs on money saving and budget making), you CAN do all of these. The steps below are what I consider a minimum to being financially responsible, so that no matter what crisis occurs, what disaster, what economy, you will be stable and secure.
1. Get health insurance
Examine what plans are available to you and select one that covers what you need. Be sure to look for any and all traps: a super-high deductible, long list of "not covered" items, difficulty getting to any specialists or alternative doctors, life time maximum benefits, etc. Ideally, an HSA is a good idea, with a reasonable deductible ($5000 or so), with extremely high life time maximum (over $1 million) or NO life time maximum, and good coverage (covered in all areas, while on vacation, choice of doctors and hospitals, low co-pays or no co-pays for routine care). Even if you are single you CANNOT afford not to have coverage. You could get sick or in an accident at any time and if you do, you need to know you are okay. Especially if you have a family, you need coverage. There is NO excuse for having tons of medical bills if you don't have insurance and could have.
2. Get life insurance
If you are single or childless this may not be a huge deal or necessity. But if you have children and/or are supporting your spouse, you must have it!! If you're single, it's still a good idea to have it to cover funeral costs, though you won't need as much coverage. $500,000 or more is a good idea so that all funeral costs are covered and a few years of living expenses. Remember that if you have children and someone dies (even if it's the stay-at-home parent), there will suddenly be daycare costs and other things you didn't have before, so you NEED it. We have $600,000 on Ben and $400,000 on me.
3. Save up at least $1000 in an emergency fund
This is how you avoid using credit cards for all those little things like your car suddenly needing repairs. You have an emergency fund and you have access to it whenever you really need it. The more you can save, the better, because we all know that sometimes, emergencies are expensive. REALLY expensive. If you don't have an emergency fund (and especially if you also have debt), you're asking for trouble.
4. Create a budget
Where is your money going? Get on a real budget and find out. Keep close track of your money so that you know where every dollar has gone. Most people are surprised to find how much they've really spent in some areas. With a budget, there are no surprises, and chances are you can find a little extra if you need to one month.
5. Reduce spending if necessary to live below your means and/or get another job
If looking at your budget shows that you're currently spending more than you earn (as most do in this country), work hard to reduce your spending so that you are spending LESS than you earn. If that is not possible, take a second job so you earn enough to cover your living expenses. You have to live within your means. If you don't, you're taking a huge gamble and could easily lose it all with just one unfortunate event.
6. Pay off debt: credit cards first, then car loans, then student loans, then mortgage
When your debt is paid off, your money is yours. You don't owe anyone, so if anything comes up, you have all the money you've earned to work with. Owing someone is not a position you want to be in, anyway. Look up what the Bible has to say about owing people money: it isn't pretty!
7. Save up for any future major purchases (cars, furniture, homes)
You will want to have nice stuff, of course. But you don't have to go in debt to do it. Save up money and put it in savings accounts, or CDs, or even other types of investments (depending on how long you have to save and how much the final purchase is). When you do buy the item, it's YOURS. Nothing can happen to it if you lose your job tomorrow. There's no worry over how you'll pay your debt if you don't have any. This is the responsible way to own nice things.
8. Invest for retirement and/or college
Don't expect the government to pay for your retirement (or college, of course). Save up the money and pay for it yourself. Invest your retirement money is high-yield, high-risk stocks if you are under 40; stick with a more conservative plan if you're older (and of course, seek out the advice of a qualified investment manager or stock broker or other expert, because I am not one). You can easily save up enough money to pay for college and get you through retirement easily.
Bonus:
9. Create a larger emergency fund (6 months of living expenses)
If you get laid off and have 6 months worth of living expenses saved up, you don't have to worry at all about finding another job (right away). You'll know that your family is taken care of and you don't even have to cut back at first. You will make that next mortgage payment (if you haven't paid it off), you will have food for your table and gas for your cars. You can put all your energy towards finding the perfect job, instead of worrying how you'll pay your bills.
10. Step up retirement investing
If you've got a large emergency fund, and all your debt paid, go ahead and put even more towards retirement. The worst that can happen is that you'll need it sooner than you've planned, but you don't have to completely deplete your savings to pay for whatever happened (i.e. medical emergency not covered by insurance -- but make sure you have insurance!!).
If you follow the steps above, you CAN live the American dream. Rely on God and yourself first and foremost; NOT your government or other people. Governments can have problems, economies can collapse, people can break promises. If you have insurance and savings and you are living below your means, you will always be safe, even as people around you who have debt and who are living outside their means suddenly feel hopeless when an unexpected financial crisis occurs.
This is just another in our series on personal responsibility.
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Following God's Plan
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
How we follow (or try to follow) God's plan in a world that doesn't understand.
Today I'm talking about God's plan. The first thing I should tell you is that while we TRY to follow God's plan as well as we can, we are by no means perfect! We slip up all the time and try to find our way again. We are not perfect at all.
What does it mean to follow God's plan? Obviously there are certain parts to God's plan that are easy to know (by reading the Bible), and certain parts that are not easy to know (through prayer and answers to prayer). Very quickly I want to talk about the "easy" parts, but mostly I want to focus on the not-so-easy parts.
If you spend any time in the Scripture, you know that God commands us to do several things. He commands us to love one another; not to kill; not to sin sexually (we'll discuss that further later); not to lie ("bear false witness"); and to worship Him. That is not a complete list, of course. Our ultimate goal is to love one another and to worship Him with every part of our lives. That means that although we are all sinners, we are to always strive to be closer to Him and to know more about Him. We need to try to do our best to be loving, giving, and as much like Jesus as we can. No one will ever measure up, but we are called to turn away from the world's ways (as "crazy" as some think that is) and towards Jesus's ways. This is not easy, but the Bible gives us guidelines on how to do it. To this end, I would encourage you to spend time in the Word to learn what it means to follow Jesus and as an encouragement to always do better. I, too, really need to spend more time in the Word. It is easy to be led astray by all of the demands of daily life, but God calls us to put Him first, not last.
I'm not saying this because I'm perfect. I often do the same as many others: know that I need to spend more time with God and not do it because I'm working on so many other projects. I do consider God all the time and think about how I can be more purposeful in areas of my life based on what He commands. But by no means do I spend nearly enough time in His Word or with Him in any way. :( That is sad to admit. I am hoping to get myself seriously together soon so that I will do more with it. I may issue a challenge to us all about this! Be prepared for that. :)
If you are spending time in the Word, or spending time praying and considering God's desires for your life, then you know the other side of following God's plan. God has a plan for each of us, and we don't necessarily know what it is. We can try to learn it through prayer and through always listening for God's answers. Sometimes it's very obvious, and other times it's not.
The other week, I desperately wanted to go out with friends. My kids were not feeling well and we'd had a long night and I was feeling frustrated. I knew that going out wasn't a good idea, yet I really, really wanted to do it anyway. So I pushed them to get ready, I did whatever it took. In the back of my head was the thought that maybe God didn't want me to go, because I really needed to put my kids first, not my own frustrations and desires. When everything was ready, I went to get the kids in the car -- and my garage door wouldn't open. I tried EVERYTHING, including unlocking it and opening manually. But no dice. I was forced to stay home. That afternoon, Ben came home and easily opened the garage. It was like God was saying, "If you're not going to do what's right for your kids, I'm going to make you do it." Sometimes it's really that obvious!
And, like that example, sometimes it's not what we want or what's comfortable for us. We may be given a job in another state at a time we don't want to move. We may be prevented from having a child when we desperately want one -- or given one when we're not ready. But all of these things happen because God wants them to.
Treat every event in your life -- good and bad -- as a blessing from God. A lot of times the bad is really a blessing in disguise. Or, sometimes it's an attempt by Satan to make you angry so that you will denounce God instead of praising Him. Continue to praise Him, and continue to pray to him, and try to listen to what He is telling you. He will let you know His plan in parts, and He will lead you in new directions.
Once, when my mother was a little girl, she and her sister wanted to go to a friend's to sleep over. There was no reason why they couldn't, but her mother felt uneasy and told them no. This was God telling her to keep her children with her. That night, there was a fire in her friend's home, and her friend died in that fire. My mother and her sister could easily have died too, had they gone to that sleepover that night.
Another time, a pastor we knew was a teenager and spent time in prayer. He felt God was tugging on him to spend his "extra" money to give to the church, rather than saving for prom like all of his friends. It was hard for him, but he gave his money to the church. On prom day, a close female friend of his called and said, "I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I need you to take me. The tickets are paid for, the tux is rented and it's just your size, dinner is paid for, and we have tickets to an amusement park for after prom. All you have to do is show up." In this case, he was rewarded for following God's plan for him!
God does reward us for following His plan in many amazing ways. He blesses us in ways that make absolutely no sense by the world's standards. And for that reason, I encourage you to always prayerfully consider any decision you make, and to include God in your life all the time. He will guide you if you let Him, and He will bless you if you let Him.
At every time in your life, you will be working on something different. It all depends on what God is calling you to do at that time. God will lay something on your heart that you need to work on. Right now, God is laying it on my heart to work on grace -- understanding it and extending it to others. I don't know where God will take me next. More details about what I'm working on personally will be coming up in future blog posts.
What is God working on in your life? How do you follow His plan?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
How we follow (or try to follow) God's plan in a world that doesn't understand.
Today I'm talking about God's plan. The first thing I should tell you is that while we TRY to follow God's plan as well as we can, we are by no means perfect! We slip up all the time and try to find our way again. We are not perfect at all.
What does it mean to follow God's plan? Obviously there are certain parts to God's plan that are easy to know (by reading the Bible), and certain parts that are not easy to know (through prayer and answers to prayer). Very quickly I want to talk about the "easy" parts, but mostly I want to focus on the not-so-easy parts.
If you spend any time in the Scripture, you know that God commands us to do several things. He commands us to love one another; not to kill; not to sin sexually (we'll discuss that further later); not to lie ("bear false witness"); and to worship Him. That is not a complete list, of course. Our ultimate goal is to love one another and to worship Him with every part of our lives. That means that although we are all sinners, we are to always strive to be closer to Him and to know more about Him. We need to try to do our best to be loving, giving, and as much like Jesus as we can. No one will ever measure up, but we are called to turn away from the world's ways (as "crazy" as some think that is) and towards Jesus's ways. This is not easy, but the Bible gives us guidelines on how to do it. To this end, I would encourage you to spend time in the Word to learn what it means to follow Jesus and as an encouragement to always do better. I, too, really need to spend more time in the Word. It is easy to be led astray by all of the demands of daily life, but God calls us to put Him first, not last.
I'm not saying this because I'm perfect. I often do the same as many others: know that I need to spend more time with God and not do it because I'm working on so many other projects. I do consider God all the time and think about how I can be more purposeful in areas of my life based on what He commands. But by no means do I spend nearly enough time in His Word or with Him in any way. :( That is sad to admit. I am hoping to get myself seriously together soon so that I will do more with it. I may issue a challenge to us all about this! Be prepared for that. :)
If you are spending time in the Word, or spending time praying and considering God's desires for your life, then you know the other side of following God's plan. God has a plan for each of us, and we don't necessarily know what it is. We can try to learn it through prayer and through always listening for God's answers. Sometimes it's very obvious, and other times it's not.
The other week, I desperately wanted to go out with friends. My kids were not feeling well and we'd had a long night and I was feeling frustrated. I knew that going out wasn't a good idea, yet I really, really wanted to do it anyway. So I pushed them to get ready, I did whatever it took. In the back of my head was the thought that maybe God didn't want me to go, because I really needed to put my kids first, not my own frustrations and desires. When everything was ready, I went to get the kids in the car -- and my garage door wouldn't open. I tried EVERYTHING, including unlocking it and opening manually. But no dice. I was forced to stay home. That afternoon, Ben came home and easily opened the garage. It was like God was saying, "If you're not going to do what's right for your kids, I'm going to make you do it." Sometimes it's really that obvious!
And, like that example, sometimes it's not what we want or what's comfortable for us. We may be given a job in another state at a time we don't want to move. We may be prevented from having a child when we desperately want one -- or given one when we're not ready. But all of these things happen because God wants them to.
Treat every event in your life -- good and bad -- as a blessing from God. A lot of times the bad is really a blessing in disguise. Or, sometimes it's an attempt by Satan to make you angry so that you will denounce God instead of praising Him. Continue to praise Him, and continue to pray to him, and try to listen to what He is telling you. He will let you know His plan in parts, and He will lead you in new directions.
Once, when my mother was a little girl, she and her sister wanted to go to a friend's to sleep over. There was no reason why they couldn't, but her mother felt uneasy and told them no. This was God telling her to keep her children with her. That night, there was a fire in her friend's home, and her friend died in that fire. My mother and her sister could easily have died too, had they gone to that sleepover that night.
Another time, a pastor we knew was a teenager and spent time in prayer. He felt God was tugging on him to spend his "extra" money to give to the church, rather than saving for prom like all of his friends. It was hard for him, but he gave his money to the church. On prom day, a close female friend of his called and said, "I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I need you to take me. The tickets are paid for, the tux is rented and it's just your size, dinner is paid for, and we have tickets to an amusement park for after prom. All you have to do is show up." In this case, he was rewarded for following God's plan for him!
God does reward us for following His plan in many amazing ways. He blesses us in ways that make absolutely no sense by the world's standards. And for that reason, I encourage you to always prayerfully consider any decision you make, and to include God in your life all the time. He will guide you if you let Him, and He will bless you if you let Him.
At every time in your life, you will be working on something different. It all depends on what God is calling you to do at that time. God will lay something on your heart that you need to work on. Right now, God is laying it on my heart to work on grace -- understanding it and extending it to others. I don't know where God will take me next. More details about what I'm working on personally will be coming up in future blog posts.
What is God working on in your life? How do you follow His plan?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Chore Chart Organization
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
**This post has been entered in Things I Love Thursdays at The Diaper Diaries!**
Starting the new year, I really needed an organizational system for cleaning my house. Over the past few years, I have worked hard to create some systems. I started doing laundry on the same day each week (which has changed several times because I haven't always kept it together), I tried to do dishes daily, I started changing the sheets weekly, and I got my meal planning and grocery shopping together. But I knew there were still a lot of chores slipping through my fingers. Stuff I should really do every week or so that I was remembering every month or so....
Enter a chore chart.
I sat down and wrote out all the things that I needed to do. Some were daily (dishes, picking up toys, etc.) and some were weekly (laundry, vacuuming, etc.). Then I assigned each to their own day, with the daily chores at the top.
One of my big problems has always been that I LOVE having things done in advance so that when it comes time to do something (especially if I have to go somewhere), I can just do it. No preparation. But I've never been good at keeping the system running. I thought about this when I was creating my chore chart, too.
I also thought about my organizational system. I needed to make sure I had everything organized in such a way that doing my chore chart would be easy. After all, I wanted to keep my house clean and neat but I didn't have ALL DAY to do it. Not with two busy, demanding kids.
So here is my chore chart information:
Daily Chores
*All toys picked up in playroom
*Kitchen table cleared off
*Dishes done
*All diapers put in their dirty bags (or washed and stacked on the changing table)
*All mail sorted through and put away (or shredded, thrown out, etc.)
*Kids' rooms picked up
Monday
*Clean out and pack the diaper bag (dry snacks, one clean outfit per kid, two clean diapers per kid, extra wipes and solution, blanket, small wet bag)
*Clean bathrooms (wipe down counters and mirrors, sinks, clean toilets; showers if necessary)
Tuesday
*Sweep and mop kitchen floor
*Take out all trash (including all bedrooms and bathrooms)
Wednesday
*All laundry (washed, dried, folded, put away.... It says this because I had a habit of washing and drying but not folding or putting away!)
Thursday
*Change all sheets on beds and towels in bathrooms
*Write meal plan/grocery list (every other week)
Friday
*Grocery shopping (on the weeks I don't shop, my parents visit, so I didn't put any other chores this day)
Saturday
*Vacuum all rooms
*Dust as necessary
Sunday
*Prepare for the week (cook breakfasts, lunches, prepare snacks)
This chore list is posted on my fridge so I can refer to it often. I take it seriously and make sure to get it done everyday. If my chores aren't done by dinner time, I'll stop whatever else I'm doing to make sure that I do finish them. The "weekly" chores only take up about 30 minutes of my time per day (except laundry), and the daily chores are just kind of part of my routine. Most of my time is free to play with my kids or work on other projects.
But, and this is very important, here is my priority list:
1) Take care of my kids and husband
2) Prepare healthy meals for my family
3) Complete my daily and weekly chores
4) Anything else I would like to do
And that's in order. If I only get through 1, 2 and 3...my day is successful and I feel good. If we're having a bad day (someone's sick, etc.) and I only get through 1, my day is still successful. I won't feel guilty or behind if I don't get to any of the extra stuff.
Usually though, I do my chores with Bekah's help while Daniel takes his morning nap. Or I'll do some after Ben gets home and he's playing with the kids. Then I'll spend time during their naps working on FUN things like this blog (yes, they're napping as I write :) ). I also am working on sewing diapers for a friend and doing some research for a major project right now, and I do those when they're napping or in bed, or if I've played with them and they've decided to go play quietly on their own.
I'll give you a few more notes on my organizational system:
*My diaper bag is stored either in my car, or in my front hall closet. It's out of the way but within easy reach of both front and garage doors.
*I keep a sponge in each bathroom, as well as a box of baking soda to clean with
*I have one bottle of toilet cleaner and one brush (really should have 3), and I go through the house, putting cleaner in each toilet. Then I go back to the first one and brush it, then the second, etc.
*I keep a laundry basket in each of my kids' rooms, my upstairs bathroom, my kitchen, and three in my room (white, colored - warm, colored - cold). Each basket gets washed as is, so no sorting is necessary on laundry day, and laundry automatically makes it back to the correct room, where it's folded and put away.
*I keep a wet bag in each of my kids' rooms as well, and diapers get washed every 3 - 4 days as needed.
*I do other little chores (like making more chicken stock, soaking beans, etc.) as necessary through out the week. My meal plan is also on my fridge, for this reason.
*I have a large wall calendar where we write all our appointments (including fun things, like mom's night out). If they're not written there, they don't get done.
Can you tell I like to have my stuff right out in front of me? Everything I'll need to refer to frequently -- weekly appointments, meal plan, and chore chart -- are right in the kitchen where I can easily look at it. Some people like to keep appointment books or computer-based lists, but not me. I need it RIGHT THERE when I don't remember what needs done next. It's pretty simple to glance at the meal plan when I'm getting a glass of water and say "Oh, I need to take meat out to thaw for tonight's dinner."
What is your organizational system? How do you make sure your chores get done (or do you)? (If you don't, don't feel bad, I didn't for years. This is a new system!)
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
**This post has been entered in Things I Love Thursdays at The Diaper Diaries!**
Starting the new year, I really needed an organizational system for cleaning my house. Over the past few years, I have worked hard to create some systems. I started doing laundry on the same day each week (which has changed several times because I haven't always kept it together), I tried to do dishes daily, I started changing the sheets weekly, and I got my meal planning and grocery shopping together. But I knew there were still a lot of chores slipping through my fingers. Stuff I should really do every week or so that I was remembering every month or so....
Enter a chore chart.
I sat down and wrote out all the things that I needed to do. Some were daily (dishes, picking up toys, etc.) and some were weekly (laundry, vacuuming, etc.). Then I assigned each to their own day, with the daily chores at the top.
One of my big problems has always been that I LOVE having things done in advance so that when it comes time to do something (especially if I have to go somewhere), I can just do it. No preparation. But I've never been good at keeping the system running. I thought about this when I was creating my chore chart, too.
I also thought about my organizational system. I needed to make sure I had everything organized in such a way that doing my chore chart would be easy. After all, I wanted to keep my house clean and neat but I didn't have ALL DAY to do it. Not with two busy, demanding kids.
So here is my chore chart information:
Daily Chores
*All toys picked up in playroom
*Kitchen table cleared off
*Dishes done
*All diapers put in their dirty bags (or washed and stacked on the changing table)
*All mail sorted through and put away (or shredded, thrown out, etc.)
*Kids' rooms picked up
Monday
*Clean out and pack the diaper bag (dry snacks, one clean outfit per kid, two clean diapers per kid, extra wipes and solution, blanket, small wet bag)
*Clean bathrooms (wipe down counters and mirrors, sinks, clean toilets; showers if necessary)
Tuesday
*Sweep and mop kitchen floor
*Take out all trash (including all bedrooms and bathrooms)
Wednesday
*All laundry (washed, dried, folded, put away.... It says this because I had a habit of washing and drying but not folding or putting away!)
Thursday
*Change all sheets on beds and towels in bathrooms
*Write meal plan/grocery list (every other week)
Friday
*Grocery shopping (on the weeks I don't shop, my parents visit, so I didn't put any other chores this day)
Saturday
*Vacuum all rooms
*Dust as necessary
Sunday
*Prepare for the week (cook breakfasts, lunches, prepare snacks)
This chore list is posted on my fridge so I can refer to it often. I take it seriously and make sure to get it done everyday. If my chores aren't done by dinner time, I'll stop whatever else I'm doing to make sure that I do finish them. The "weekly" chores only take up about 30 minutes of my time per day (except laundry), and the daily chores are just kind of part of my routine. Most of my time is free to play with my kids or work on other projects.
But, and this is very important, here is my priority list:
1) Take care of my kids and husband
2) Prepare healthy meals for my family
3) Complete my daily and weekly chores
4) Anything else I would like to do
And that's in order. If I only get through 1, 2 and 3...my day is successful and I feel good. If we're having a bad day (someone's sick, etc.) and I only get through 1, my day is still successful. I won't feel guilty or behind if I don't get to any of the extra stuff.
Usually though, I do my chores with Bekah's help while Daniel takes his morning nap. Or I'll do some after Ben gets home and he's playing with the kids. Then I'll spend time during their naps working on FUN things like this blog (yes, they're napping as I write :) ). I also am working on sewing diapers for a friend and doing some research for a major project right now, and I do those when they're napping or in bed, or if I've played with them and they've decided to go play quietly on their own.
I'll give you a few more notes on my organizational system:
*My diaper bag is stored either in my car, or in my front hall closet. It's out of the way but within easy reach of both front and garage doors.
*I keep a sponge in each bathroom, as well as a box of baking soda to clean with
*I have one bottle of toilet cleaner and one brush (really should have 3), and I go through the house, putting cleaner in each toilet. Then I go back to the first one and brush it, then the second, etc.
*I keep a laundry basket in each of my kids' rooms, my upstairs bathroom, my kitchen, and three in my room (white, colored - warm, colored - cold). Each basket gets washed as is, so no sorting is necessary on laundry day, and laundry automatically makes it back to the correct room, where it's folded and put away.
*I keep a wet bag in each of my kids' rooms as well, and diapers get washed every 3 - 4 days as needed.
*I do other little chores (like making more chicken stock, soaking beans, etc.) as necessary through out the week. My meal plan is also on my fridge, for this reason.
*I have a large wall calendar where we write all our appointments (including fun things, like mom's night out). If they're not written there, they don't get done.
Can you tell I like to have my stuff right out in front of me? Everything I'll need to refer to frequently -- weekly appointments, meal plan, and chore chart -- are right in the kitchen where I can easily look at it. Some people like to keep appointment books or computer-based lists, but not me. I need it RIGHT THERE when I don't remember what needs done next. It's pretty simple to glance at the meal plan when I'm getting a glass of water and say "Oh, I need to take meat out to thaw for tonight's dinner."
What is your organizational system? How do you make sure your chores get done (or do you)? (If you don't, don't feel bad, I didn't for years. This is a new system!)
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Happy Birthday Bekah!
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl! Rebekah Christine is 2! (1/26/08)
This past weekend, we had a quiet little birthday party with grandparents. She got several very cute presents, including a new puzzle, a book, a little car that goes if pushed (continues moving by friction), and a purse filled with lots of cool stuff like jewelry (she LOVES jewelry!). She also got some super dark chocolate (72% pure cacao) and I think that was her favorite! We only let her have one piece since she's not really supposed to have sugar. Although it doesn't have much.
On her birthday afternoon, I will be taking her shopping, just the two of us, and she'll get to pick out a new outfit. She loves clothes too!
Hard to believe it's been 2 years already!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl! Rebekah Christine is 2! (1/26/08)
This past weekend, we had a quiet little birthday party with grandparents. She got several very cute presents, including a new puzzle, a book, a little car that goes if pushed (continues moving by friction), and a purse filled with lots of cool stuff like jewelry (she LOVES jewelry!). She also got some super dark chocolate (72% pure cacao) and I think that was her favorite! We only let her have one piece since she's not really supposed to have sugar. Although it doesn't have much.
On her birthday afternoon, I will be taking her shopping, just the two of us, and she'll get to pick out a new outfit. She loves clothes too!
Hard to believe it's been 2 years already!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Reader Survey
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Hello, dear readers!
Recently, several other bloggers that I follow did a reader survey, where they asked several questions of their readers to see who was reading and to get a better idea of how they could serve their reader base. I thought, you know, I should probably do the same. Traffic is increasing QUICKLY here. Visits are up 32% over December, and pageviews are up 26%. And we have another week yet in January! December's hits were up 60% over November and we're about on track to do that again.
So, with all those new people coming, I'd love to know more about you! Fill out my reader survey at your leisure. Pretty please? I'll post the results in a couple weeks, so that you can all know who is reading along with you! Thanks!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Hello, dear readers!
Recently, several other bloggers that I follow did a reader survey, where they asked several questions of their readers to see who was reading and to get a better idea of how they could serve their reader base. I thought, you know, I should probably do the same. Traffic is increasing QUICKLY here. Visits are up 32% over December, and pageviews are up 26%. And we have another week yet in January! December's hits were up 60% over November and we're about on track to do that again.
So, with all those new people coming, I'd love to know more about you! Fill out my reader survey at your leisure. Pretty please? I'll post the results in a couple weeks, so that you can all know who is reading along with you! Thanks!
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Large Families
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Several weeks ago I was asked for my opinion on large families, since you all know I intend to have one. The recent premature birth of the Duggars' 19th child brought up the questions again. So, I'm finally getting around to answering it! It's been too busy on the blog until now. :)
And please, if you're going to comment on this post, read the WHOLE thing and give it some time to sink in first. I've thought about this subject for a very, very long time. And those of you who are against large families and/or older children taking responsibility for younger children, please know my mother agrees with you and shared this sentiment with me over and over growing up, and I found it unfair at times that a few of my friends with younger siblings were often babysitting. So it has taken me a long, long time to come to the perspective I currently have, after experiencing many different situations and ways of thinking.
I believe that large families are a blessing. They are not for everyone, obviously, but God intends some to have large families. Some have said "but it's not fair to the children." Here is something to think about: everyone has an opinion about their siblings and the families they were raised in. Some wish they had more siblings. Some wish they had less. Some loved it just the way it was. Some didn't like a particular sibling. Some felt closest to a particular sibling, maybe even more than their parents. But you don't choose to have another child because one of your children does (or doesn't) want another. If you weren't planning more and your children BEGGED for a sibling, would you have another? Probably not. It's your body and your adult life, and you wouldn't want to go through the pregnancy and have another child to raise if you didn't feel ready, even if your children wanted another sibling. Likewise, it's not their decision to say you shouldn't have more children. This is YOUR life (most of your life happens as an adult and it's your time to choose how you want to live it!), not theirs. When they are adults, they can choose their own experience. Love it or hate it, they've had the childhood they're going to have. Not to mention that even if you only have two children (or even just one!), you can't always please everyone with everything. So it is most important to please God, and then yourself, NOT your children.
Within a family, I believe that everyone has a special and unique relationship with everyone else. It's not merely about the parents' relationship with each child, but the childrens' relationship with each other. Siblings can, and do, share very special and meaningful relationships with one another. I know that already in our family, the first thing Bekah says when she wakes up in the morning or from nap is "Brother?" She doesn't stop asking until she gets to see him. He smiles at her more readily than anyone else, even when she's just poking at him or getting in his face. They seem to have a special bond. I don't have anything to do with that. If she hears him crying, she goes over and pats him or gives him a pacifier or a toy. She offers him her food or her drink (although he's not allowed to have it). She LOVES him. I hope that they always have a special relationship with each other. I believe this type of relationship between siblings should be fostered because it is the first model for friendship.
Children don't know how to have healthy relationships outside their families if they don't have healthy relationships within them. Having their siblings around helps them to learn to get along with others, and negotiate the sometimes difficult areas like sharing, listening, turn-taking, etc. While these skills can be learned in other ways, they are built in to large families.
ALL members of a family have a responsibility towards all other members. It's not unreasonable to expect a child to take care of things for himself -- putting his clothes in the hamper, making his bed, clearing his dishes from the table. It's also not unreasonable to expect him to help a family member. Perhaps removing a younger child's shoes, reading a story to someone, getting someone a glass of water while he's getting himself one. When our children are little, we are training them. Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." If you wish your child to think of others first, you will need to teach him to do so when he is young. When your child is a young adult and is staying with you, would you be hurt if he went into the kitchen and got himself a snack and didn't offer you any? Or didn't thank you after you made him dinner? He needs to be taught this attitude of helpfulness and gratitude when he is young.
It isn't really a burden for a child to have to spend a short amount of time helping a younger sibling each day. A half hour or an hour of being a child's "buddy" is not a huge chunk out of the older sibling's day (not saying I would choose this system, just saying it isn't as horrible as some have made it out to be). It can also help to foster that special relationship between those two siblings. They may truly enjoy studying together, or practicing their musical instruments together. And I certainly hope that siblings (generally) enjoy playing together! Even if, on occasion, they don't, it is still part of being a family to help one another. It is the responsibility of EVERYONE to help everyone else when they need it.
I believe that today, we are fostering too much independence in our children. We teach them that they must have space, and privacy, and always the freedom to do their own thing. We teach them that as children, they should have their own activities. We push them outside the family as soon as they are old enough and tell them to go make friends, don't worry about helping at home. Some families don't even give kids chores for this reason (yes...I have read a book where a parent firmly stated her policy was not to give her kid any chores at all...or even to teach her manners. As this parent only had one child, I don't really believe her. Perhaps it worked out okay for her ONE child, but every child is different and many would do poorly with that system!). We really push kids to be independent VERY early, from putting their in their own rooms from birth, weaning them betwen 6 and 12 months (if not sooner), disciplining them early but so gently they don't actually get it ("You better come back here! I'm going to count to 10! If you don't come, I'm going to come and get you!" Um...that teaches the child...what, exactly?). Why do we push our children to be so independent? Why is that necessary? And what happens when they grow up?
I envision a family where everyone focuses on each other as their primary relationships. They have friends, of course, but if their family needs them (whether it is to help a sibling, do their chores, or have a fun family outing), they say, "I'll have to catch you next time." I envision a family where they help their siblings because they WANT to, not because they have to. I envision a family that is so close and loving that when all the children are grown, if one says, "I need help," everyone else says, "Tell me what you need and I'll do it." That is the kind of love and help that I see from my family.
When I think of large families, I'm not thinking of just what's happening today. I'm not thinking of my individuals who are independent and will grow up to remain that way. No, they'll grow up to form their own families (whatever size). They will never be really independent. I think it does them a great disservice to teach them to expect space and privacy when they will probably never really have it. They need to learn to live with others instead. Yes, this culture loves to emphasize individualism, but I don't like it or believe in it. I think we need each other. I think we need to be in community with others, part of a family, at all times. We need to give when we can, and learn to receive when we need it. People don't do well at either these days.
As for the Duggars, I can't speak for them. I don't agree with everything they believe or have chosen to do. I don't think in any way that we will be a copy of them or even very similar to them. Being Christians and wanting a lot of children are all we have in common (and debt free, hopefully!). I don't make all my children dress alike and the girls wear their hair long and only wear dresses. I won't make all my kids play the piano and the violin (they can choose any instrument, or sport, etc.). I don't serve them processed food. I won't give them dormitory-style bedrooms (because everyone needs a space where they can have a few minutes to themselves, even if they're sharing with one other sibling). But in general, comparing us to the Duggars isn't really fair. They're just another family out there and there are things I agree with and things I don't.
So that's my general take on the subject. Families are all about each other, they are inherently interlocked, and they all have a responsibility towards one another. Independence is pushed far too much. It's every adult's decision how many children to have and what kind of life they want to lead and how they want to teach their children (and for those children, they'll have their chance too, for most of their life). And ultimately...what is MOST important in a family? That the family is LOVING!! Size doesn't matter, responsibilities (or lack thereof), etc. It's that the parents are loving and giving and they teach the children to be that way too. That is what the children will remember when they are adults, not the minor annoyances.
Right now, I know I'm not the perfect parent (who is?). I know I yell sometimes when Bekah has ignored me for the 14th time in the last half hour. I know we have really bad days. But when she picks up a doll, or sees a real baby, she holds it, kisses it, strokes its hair, offers it a toy...she's gentle and loving towards it. So I know that those moments are what really stick in her head. I have NEVER seen her yell at a doll or try to hurt it or do anything but treat it lovingly. So despite my totally imperfect parenting, something must be going right, huh?
What do you think about large families?
And please, if you're going to comment on this post, read the WHOLE thing and give it some time to sink in first. I've thought about this subject for a very, very long time. And those of you who are against large families and/or older children taking responsibility for younger children, please know my mother agrees with you and shared this sentiment with me over and over growing up, and I found it unfair at times that a few of my friends with younger siblings were often babysitting. So it has taken me a long, long time to come to the perspective I currently have, after experiencing many different situations and ways of thinking.
I believe that large families are a blessing. They are not for everyone, obviously, but God intends some to have large families. Some have said "but it's not fair to the children." Here is something to think about: everyone has an opinion about their siblings and the families they were raised in. Some wish they had more siblings. Some wish they had less. Some loved it just the way it was. Some didn't like a particular sibling. Some felt closest to a particular sibling, maybe even more than their parents. But you don't choose to have another child because one of your children does (or doesn't) want another. If you weren't planning more and your children BEGGED for a sibling, would you have another? Probably not. It's your body and your adult life, and you wouldn't want to go through the pregnancy and have another child to raise if you didn't feel ready, even if your children wanted another sibling. Likewise, it's not their decision to say you shouldn't have more children. This is YOUR life (most of your life happens as an adult and it's your time to choose how you want to live it!), not theirs. When they are adults, they can choose their own experience. Love it or hate it, they've had the childhood they're going to have. Not to mention that even if you only have two children (or even just one!), you can't always please everyone with everything. So it is most important to please God, and then yourself, NOT your children.
Within a family, I believe that everyone has a special and unique relationship with everyone else. It's not merely about the parents' relationship with each child, but the childrens' relationship with each other. Siblings can, and do, share very special and meaningful relationships with one another. I know that already in our family, the first thing Bekah says when she wakes up in the morning or from nap is "Brother?" She doesn't stop asking until she gets to see him. He smiles at her more readily than anyone else, even when she's just poking at him or getting in his face. They seem to have a special bond. I don't have anything to do with that. If she hears him crying, she goes over and pats him or gives him a pacifier or a toy. She offers him her food or her drink (although he's not allowed to have it). She LOVES him. I hope that they always have a special relationship with each other. I believe this type of relationship between siblings should be fostered because it is the first model for friendship.
Children don't know how to have healthy relationships outside their families if they don't have healthy relationships within them. Having their siblings around helps them to learn to get along with others, and negotiate the sometimes difficult areas like sharing, listening, turn-taking, etc. While these skills can be learned in other ways, they are built in to large families.
ALL members of a family have a responsibility towards all other members. It's not unreasonable to expect a child to take care of things for himself -- putting his clothes in the hamper, making his bed, clearing his dishes from the table. It's also not unreasonable to expect him to help a family member. Perhaps removing a younger child's shoes, reading a story to someone, getting someone a glass of water while he's getting himself one. When our children are little, we are training them. Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." If you wish your child to think of others first, you will need to teach him to do so when he is young. When your child is a young adult and is staying with you, would you be hurt if he went into the kitchen and got himself a snack and didn't offer you any? Or didn't thank you after you made him dinner? He needs to be taught this attitude of helpfulness and gratitude when he is young.
It isn't really a burden for a child to have to spend a short amount of time helping a younger sibling each day. A half hour or an hour of being a child's "buddy" is not a huge chunk out of the older sibling's day (not saying I would choose this system, just saying it isn't as horrible as some have made it out to be). It can also help to foster that special relationship between those two siblings. They may truly enjoy studying together, or practicing their musical instruments together. And I certainly hope that siblings (generally) enjoy playing together! Even if, on occasion, they don't, it is still part of being a family to help one another. It is the responsibility of EVERYONE to help everyone else when they need it.
I believe that today, we are fostering too much independence in our children. We teach them that they must have space, and privacy, and always the freedom to do their own thing. We teach them that as children, they should have their own activities. We push them outside the family as soon as they are old enough and tell them to go make friends, don't worry about helping at home. Some families don't even give kids chores for this reason (yes...I have read a book where a parent firmly stated her policy was not to give her kid any chores at all...or even to teach her manners. As this parent only had one child, I don't really believe her. Perhaps it worked out okay for her ONE child, but every child is different and many would do poorly with that system!). We really push kids to be independent VERY early, from putting their in their own rooms from birth, weaning them betwen 6 and 12 months (if not sooner), disciplining them early but so gently they don't actually get it ("You better come back here! I'm going to count to 10! If you don't come, I'm going to come and get you!" Um...that teaches the child...what, exactly?). Why do we push our children to be so independent? Why is that necessary? And what happens when they grow up?
I envision a family where everyone focuses on each other as their primary relationships. They have friends, of course, but if their family needs them (whether it is to help a sibling, do their chores, or have a fun family outing), they say, "I'll have to catch you next time." I envision a family where they help their siblings because they WANT to, not because they have to. I envision a family that is so close and loving that when all the children are grown, if one says, "I need help," everyone else says, "Tell me what you need and I'll do it." That is the kind of love and help that I see from my family.
When I think of large families, I'm not thinking of just what's happening today. I'm not thinking of my individuals who are independent and will grow up to remain that way. No, they'll grow up to form their own families (whatever size). They will never be really independent. I think it does them a great disservice to teach them to expect space and privacy when they will probably never really have it. They need to learn to live with others instead. Yes, this culture loves to emphasize individualism, but I don't like it or believe in it. I think we need each other. I think we need to be in community with others, part of a family, at all times. We need to give when we can, and learn to receive when we need it. People don't do well at either these days.
As for the Duggars, I can't speak for them. I don't agree with everything they believe or have chosen to do. I don't think in any way that we will be a copy of them or even very similar to them. Being Christians and wanting a lot of children are all we have in common (and debt free, hopefully!). I don't make all my children dress alike and the girls wear their hair long and only wear dresses. I won't make all my kids play the piano and the violin (they can choose any instrument, or sport, etc.). I don't serve them processed food. I won't give them dormitory-style bedrooms (because everyone needs a space where they can have a few minutes to themselves, even if they're sharing with one other sibling). But in general, comparing us to the Duggars isn't really fair. They're just another family out there and there are things I agree with and things I don't.
So that's my general take on the subject. Families are all about each other, they are inherently interlocked, and they all have a responsibility towards one another. Independence is pushed far too much. It's every adult's decision how many children to have and what kind of life they want to lead and how they want to teach their children (and for those children, they'll have their chance too, for most of their life). And ultimately...what is MOST important in a family? That the family is LOVING!! Size doesn't matter, responsibilities (or lack thereof), etc. It's that the parents are loving and giving and they teach the children to be that way too. That is what the children will remember when they are adults, not the minor annoyances.
Right now, I know I'm not the perfect parent (who is?). I know I yell sometimes when Bekah has ignored me for the 14th time in the last half hour. I know we have really bad days. But when she picks up a doll, or sees a real baby, she holds it, kisses it, strokes its hair, offers it a toy...she's gentle and loving towards it. So I know that those moments are what really stick in her head. I have NEVER seen her yell at a doll or try to hurt it or do anything but treat it lovingly. So despite my totally imperfect parenting, something must be going right, huh?
What do you think about large families?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Our Story: Part 2
**We've moved!!**
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Part 2 of "Our Story." Based on the comments on the first half, I must ask all of you to read this with an open mind. Please also note that is ONLY our experience and we are not recommending anything to anyone else. We welcome honest questions and differing opinions, but please refrains from insults and personal attacks. We are all adults here (I hope) and need to behave as such. Thanks!
I left the end of part 1 of our story with our wedding date: July 29th, 2006. But I did skip a lot of parts of our dating experience, and haven't talked at all about our early marriage experience. I'm going to get to that now.
Ben and I talked a LOT when we were dating. It was partially because we lived two hours apart and most days didn't see each other. But it was also because we both love to think, analyze, and discuss things to death. So much so that my mother once told me I shouldn't marry him because we were acting like it was "business transaction" instead of a relationship (we didn't feel that way though!). We are just very intense, analytical people. Truly so much that by the time we got to our premarital counseling, we had already thoroughly discussed most of the issues they threw at us.
We knew exactly what we wanted from life: where we wanted to live, who would work and doing what, how many kids we wanted and when, and lots more.
I remember one day we were discussing having kids. We'd talked about it quite a lot already, but we were driving up to an outdoor concert in Cleveland (Cincinnati Pops play John Williams, if you're interested) and we talked about it most of the way there. I said I had always wanted 4: two boys and two girls (as if I get to pick). Ben said he thought 5 was a good number. I said, okay, that sounds good. There was a lot more to it than that, but I can't recall remember all the details of the situation anymore. But we were sure.
So then we got married. We went to Disney World for our honeymoon at the end of July and beginning of August. We only had three days because Ben had just started a new job (the one he has now) and didn't really have any vacation time. I was still in college then, slated to graduate the following spring. I said to him, "You know, we could try for a baby in September and I could finish most of school, then go back when the baby is a few months old." He said NO. At that time we were using birth control. Our parents knew how eager we were to have children, and advised us to wait to even try until I was completely finished with college.
Well, it ended up that I was going to finish everything November 2007. So in February we sat down and I said, "This is the first month we could try and I could still finish school." So we decided to see what would happen. I haven't taken any birth control since that time. It only took us until May, when we conceived Bekah. It was a hot, hot summer and I was nauseous and tired and our central air broke...rather miserable first trimester.
The pregnancy and other details aren't really important. We were thrilled -- and terrified -- to become parents. Ben couldn't really relate at all because he had no idea what to expect. He was supportive but generally uninterested in the details of pregnancy because it just wasn't real to him (it became real VERY FAST after Bekah came and the second time wasn't like that at all).
A truly important part of our marriage was December, 2007. Bekah was due the following month and Ben had saved up his vacation all year, and he took nearly the entire month off. We spent lazy days sitting together, talking, reconnecting after all the busy-ness of our lives. This time we had really changed us and brought us closer together -- just in time for Bekah to arrive!
I like to joke that our life has happened in 9-month segments. We got married in Jul. 06, then I got pregnant in Apr. 07 (found out in May), 9 months later. Bekah arrived in January 08, 9 months after that. When she was 9 months old I got pregnant with Daniel, and of course he arrived 9 months later. Now he's almost 6 months old, so we'll see what happens in a few more months! :)
The reason I've written this is because I'm launching into a series on Biblical marriage and family. Ben and I have studied this carefully (and continue to on a regular basis). We have gone through some devotionals together, and have listened to some sermon series on the Biblical family (his father gave us a set on CD right after we got married). We've also read several books. Despite all this, I don't think our marriage has been as Godly as it could be, or should be. I'm hoping to share everything I have learned and am learning with you so that you can take this journey with me, to make your marriage better.
I've also chosen to do this because recently, it has really hit me that we are still at the beginning of our marriage. We don't thoroughly know each other yet. Yes, we've known each other almost 5 years and have been married about 3.5 years. Yes, we talk all the time and we "know" each other quite well by anyone's standards. But think about this: how many times have you seen a favorite movie, or read a favorite book? So many that you could recite it word-for-word. Yet, each time you watch it or read it, you notice some tiny, subtle nuance that you didn't before. "I never realized that character wore that shirt then," or "Oh, that sentence didn't say quite what I thought it did." These are details that many would consider unimportant, and if you're looking at the general story line, they are. But when you're talking about this level of detail in your marriage, those kinds of things ARE very important. I have a feeling that when we have been married for 25 or 30 years that we'll be like that. We'll know each other so well, be so completely entrenched in one another, that we could never be separated. We'll be two halves of a whole, as God commands us to be.
But first we have to spend a lifetime trying to get there, by loving one another and doing the best we can to know and cherish and respect one another. And that is why I'm writing this now.
That's most of our story. If I've forgotten anything, I'll try to remember and tell you!
Are you ready to learn more about the Bibical marriage and family life? Do you have any resources to share with us?
Like what you read? Subscribe over on the right and get posts everyday in your email!
Please visit our new site, ModernAlternativeMama.com.
Comments on this post have been locked and updates are no longer being made to this page. Please click here to view this article on the new site.
Part 2 of "Our Story." Based on the comments on the first half, I must ask all of you to read this with an open mind. Please also note that is ONLY our experience and we are not recommending anything to anyone else. We welcome honest questions and differing opinions, but please refrains from insults and personal attacks. We are all adults here (I hope) and need to behave as such. Thanks!
I left the end of part 1 of our story with our wedding date: July 29th, 2006. But I did skip a lot of parts of our dating experience, and haven't talked at all about our early marriage experience. I'm going to get to that now.
Ben and I talked a LOT when we were dating. It was partially because we lived two hours apart and most days didn't see each other. But it was also because we both love to think, analyze, and discuss things to death. So much so that my mother once told me I shouldn't marry him because we were acting like it was "business transaction" instead of a relationship (we didn't feel that way though!). We are just very intense, analytical people. Truly so much that by the time we got to our premarital counseling, we had already thoroughly discussed most of the issues they threw at us.
We knew exactly what we wanted from life: where we wanted to live, who would work and doing what, how many kids we wanted and when, and lots more.
I remember one day we were discussing having kids. We'd talked about it quite a lot already, but we were driving up to an outdoor concert in Cleveland (Cincinnati Pops play John Williams, if you're interested) and we talked about it most of the way there. I said I had always wanted 4: two boys and two girls (as if I get to pick). Ben said he thought 5 was a good number. I said, okay, that sounds good. There was a lot more to it than that, but I can't recall remember all the details of the situation anymore. But we were sure.
So then we got married. We went to Disney World for our honeymoon at the end of July and beginning of August. We only had three days because Ben had just started a new job (the one he has now) and didn't really have any vacation time. I was still in college then, slated to graduate the following spring. I said to him, "You know, we could try for a baby in September and I could finish most of school, then go back when the baby is a few months old." He said NO. At that time we were using birth control. Our parents knew how eager we were to have children, and advised us to wait to even try until I was completely finished with college.
Well, it ended up that I was going to finish everything November 2007. So in February we sat down and I said, "This is the first month we could try and I could still finish school." So we decided to see what would happen. I haven't taken any birth control since that time. It only took us until May, when we conceived Bekah. It was a hot, hot summer and I was nauseous and tired and our central air broke...rather miserable first trimester.
The pregnancy and other details aren't really important. We were thrilled -- and terrified -- to become parents. Ben couldn't really relate at all because he had no idea what to expect. He was supportive but generally uninterested in the details of pregnancy because it just wasn't real to him (it became real VERY FAST after Bekah came and the second time wasn't like that at all).
A truly important part of our marriage was December, 2007. Bekah was due the following month and Ben had saved up his vacation all year, and he took nearly the entire month off. We spent lazy days sitting together, talking, reconnecting after all the busy-ness of our lives. This time we had really changed us and brought us closer together -- just in time for Bekah to arrive!
I like to joke that our life has happened in 9-month segments. We got married in Jul. 06, then I got pregnant in Apr. 07 (found out in May), 9 months later. Bekah arrived in January 08, 9 months after that. When she was 9 months old I got pregnant with Daniel, and of course he arrived 9 months later. Now he's almost 6 months old, so we'll see what happens in a few more months! :)
The reason I've written this is because I'm launching into a series on Biblical marriage and family. Ben and I have studied this carefully (and continue to on a regular basis). We have gone through some devotionals together, and have listened to some sermon series on the Biblical family (his father gave us a set on CD right after we got married). We've also read several books. Despite all this, I don't think our marriage has been as Godly as it could be, or should be. I'm hoping to share everything I have learned and am learning with you so that you can take this journey with me, to make your marriage better.
I've also chosen to do this because recently, it has really hit me that we are still at the beginning of our marriage. We don't thoroughly know each other yet. Yes, we've known each other almost 5 years and have been married about 3.5 years. Yes, we talk all the time and we "know" each other quite well by anyone's standards. But think about this: how many times have you seen a favorite movie, or read a favorite book? So many that you could recite it word-for-word. Yet, each time you watch it or read it, you notice some tiny, subtle nuance that you didn't before. "I never realized that character wore that shirt then," or "Oh, that sentence didn't say quite what I thought it did." These are details that many would consider unimportant, and if you're looking at the general story line, they are. But when you're talking about this level of detail in your marriage, those kinds of things ARE very important. I have a feeling that when we have been married for 25 or 30 years that we'll be like that. We'll know each other so well, be so completely entrenched in one another, that we could never be separated. We'll be two halves of a whole, as God commands us to be.
But first we have to spend a lifetime trying to get there, by loving one another and doing the best we can to know and cherish and respect one another. And that is why I'm writing this now.
That's most of our story. If I've forgotten anything, I'll try to remember and tell you!
Are you ready to learn more about the Bibical marriage and family life? Do you have any resources to share with us?
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