Courtship and Biblical Marriage

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Now we've discussed several other issues surrounding Biblical relationships and families, so it's time to talk about courtship and marriage! I'm presenting these themes as they appear in the Biblical the teachings of Bible scholars. They represent an "ideal" situation, but are by no means the only way to approach relationships and marriage. They're also not my opinion (in most cases), but Biblical teachings, nor am I judging anyone who chooses a different way.

Courtship is a Biblical way of selecting a mate that heavily involves parents and which takes the place of dating. Traditional courtship happens when two people spend some time together within a group and/or with their parents as chaperones, and are never alone. They do not engage in any physical relationship (not even kissing) until they are married. Both young adults pray for God's guidance in selecting a mate, and discuss their ideas with their parents, who will either approve or deny the match. The man must then ask the woman's father's permission to propose to her. Only if the father gives it can the man propose to the woman. Then, once the couple is married, they leave their parents' homes and go to their own, where they begin their marriage together. Their first kiss is on their wedding day!

There are couples who, today, still strive for courtship. Not all families are so strict about it, though some are. Josh and Anna Duggar practiced courtship this strict, and I believe all the Duggar children are required to do so (although I don't know; I've only read Josh and Anna's story). Others are less strict but still believe strongly in courtship. That is, the goal of having the entire family involved in the selection of a mate and parents functioning as chaperones on at least early dates. It is also important that no courting take place until both the man and woman are fully grown and at a point in their lives where they are ready to have an adult relationship and a potential marriage. "Dating" happens as early as age 12 or 13 for some; there is no potential for an adult relationship or a marriage at that age. Courtship holds that early dating is pointless for that reason. Children should be children, and should not worry about relationships with the opposite sex until they are mature enough for marriage (this is not to say that they shouldn't have FRIENDSHIPS with the opposite sex!).

A typical (less strict) courtship may go like this (as my understanding; some of you may know better than I do): A man and a woman meet each other and become friends. Both are adults and feel they are ready to enter into marriage, if God leads them in that direction (and will be praying about this). They discuss their thoughts and ideas with their parents as well as praying that God will show them if the other person is the the "one." The man is prepared to marry -- that is, he has a good job and a home so that he can take care of his bride independently. The man asks the woman's father's permission to court her. If he gets permission, he will come to the woman's parents' house (of course...realistically, she may or may not still be living with her parents, but that's traditional) to pick her up and take her out. They may be chaperoned, or may not, but the date won't go late and there will be no sexual contact (some say hugging and holding hands is okay; some may say kissing is okay but this is less likely, especially at first). This may continue for awhile but the families will be paying attention. The couple will probably spend a lot of time in groups with friends, siblings, and their parents, so that the whole family knows the man/woman (both families know both). When the man is ready to propose, he will go privately to the woman's father and ask for her permission. Then, he will propose to the woman. Assuming she accepts, their "real" relationship begins and they plan the wedding (that is, they are viewed as betrothed and exclusive and it's considered a relationship, not just a courtship. Some couples may decide that some physical contact, like kissing, is acceptable at this point. Some may not. On their wedding day, they are married and they leave their fathers and mothers and go to one another, and are united as husband and wife (there are Bible verses about exactly this). At this point they are independent, married, and sexual contact is then permitted.

There is a Biblical basis for courtship. I am going to link to several sites in a "resources" section at the bottom so that you can read about it further if you're interested.

The reason that I believe a model similar to this is best is because a lot of teenagers waste a lot of time and energy on relationships that won't pan out. They spend time and money going on dates and having boyfriends and girlfriends and making plans for the future that completely change when and if they break up with that boyfriend or girlfriend. (Someone I know selected a college based on the fact that their significant other attended there, even though that college didn't have the intended major. So the entire career path and course of this person's life changed because of this relationship. They broke up a year later and now this person is thinking about revising the plan a bit, but I feel has lost a few years and the opportunity to do what was REALLY desired.) God doesn't want us to suffer like that. He also doesn't want our focus shifted from the task of growing up and discovering who we are as people, and becoming mature adults before we enter into relationships. So many teens are "one person" when they enter into a relationship at age 15, and totally different when they exit at age 17! Adolescents change SO fast, and they need to. For that reason, dating and marriage really should not enter their lives until they are mostly grown and ready for it.

Our goal for our children will be a modified courtship. We're not going to chaperone all their dates. We're not going to forbid them from ever kissing (though if any choose not to, we will certainly support that choice). We will want to meet the person they are seeing when they first want to have dates (and we will require them to be 18 before they can have true "dates" -- prior to that time, they will be able to go on group dates and have friendships with members of the opposite sex, but not relationships), and we will want men to come to us to ask permission before proposing to any of our daughters. And we hope that our sons will come and let us know they plan to propose, and then seek the woman's father's permission before doing so! We want to get to know all our future daughters-in-law and sons-in-law very well both before and after they are married.

Once courtship is complete and you are married, then what? God has a plan for marriage, too. I'll link to several articles on a Godly design for marriage below, too, but based on the studies we've done (premarital counseling, sets of CDs of pastors talking about marriage, a series in our church we heard live, some books we've read, the Bible itself of course), I will try to explain what we believe and try to practice.

The husband is the head of the family. He submits himself to God and Christ, and he is the family's spiritual leader. He is commanded to "agape" love his wife (which is a very special kind of love). This means, basically, that he is selfless and self-sacrificing for her, that he loves her as Christ loves him, and that nothing ever stops or changes his love for her. It is higher than brotherly love; it is like the love God offers us. There is no good translation for it. It is the husband's responsibility to love his wife this way to make her feel safe and cherished. He should also provide for his family, financially and in other ways.

The wife should submit to her husband. This is not like we think of "submission" in modern times, where a woman simply bows to her husband's will. Instead, she is charged with respecting him and his will (which of course needs to be aligned with God's will). When things come up in their marriage, they will discuss it because they are partners and they need to pray about major decisions together. But if the husband feels especially strongly, the wife should bow to his will and allow him to make the decision. By the same decision, if the wife feels especially strongly, if they feel she is right based on their prayers, the husband should love her and allow her to do things her way. Submission doesn't mean she lets her husband walk all over her by any means. A woman is called to ALWAYS respect her husband. She should not speak ill of him in public nor do anything to put him down or hurt his pride. A wife should feel safe with her husband and always loved by him, so that she is free to be herself, while still respecting him. In public (and in heaven), the husband speaks for the family.

I personally find my role very satisfying. I know that at home, I have an equal say (sometimes more than my share!) about how we will raise our children, handle our money, etc. Ben will come to me and say, "This is something that's in my head right now and this is what I think we should do. But I would like your input." We will discuss the issue, and often I agree he is right. If I don't, we discuss until we come to a conclusion we both agree with. So far we haven't had any times where he's had to say, "We can't agree, so we're going with what I say," but if it came to that, it would be my role to allow that to happen. I can trust Ben to be strong for me. So, for example, if there are demands on our family from the outside that I can't handle, Ben can stand up for us and say, "No, my family needs a break right now," and be a barrier between me and whatever is causing stress. I don't have to feel the burden of providing for my family because Ben takes care of it. Instead, of course, I raise our children, which is really MORE work most of the time. :)

I'm sharing my personal views on this because I know a lot of people will see the word "submit" and automatically get upset and say "No! A wife is completely equal to her husband in all ways and that is demeaning to women!" But it really isn't the way we think of submission. The typical view of a submissive wife -- that is, a husband who rules the family very strongly, and the wife who simply stays out of his way and says "Whatever you think is best" and generally seems to have no independent role or voice -- is NOT what the Bible was talking about. The husband needs the wife as much as she needs him. Their roles are just DIFFERENT.

I love one section from the Biblical marriage roles below that I am going to quote it here:

Let's put the husband's leadership and the wife's submission in biblical balance:

1. God has given the husband the leadership role for the good of his wife, not as an excuse for him to be proud or selfish, and not as an excuse to treat her as a servant.

Some husbands do not seem to understand that yelling for food or beverage service while they are watching a sports event on TV and while their wives are scrubbing the kitchen floors on their hands and knees does not reflect biblical truth in balance.

2. God has not said the husband must, or should, make all decisions in his family. If a husband wants to please God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he will delegate some decision making to her--she has brains too.

3. God has not said that the husband must make decisions without obtaining input from his wife--she has brains, too.

4. God has not said that the husband must make decisions according to his wishes, nor even according to his wisdom. Instead he must make decisions that are best for his wife.

I think that really sums up how God views marriage, or at least the role of love and respect. It actually goes on with several more excellent points, but I'm not going to post the whole thing here. Read it, it really is a great resource!

We are always personally striving to do better in our roles as husband and wife. In our culture, it is easy to say, "I would love her more if she were nicer to me" or "I would respect him if he earned it," but that is not what God commands. Sometimes we need to remember that love and respect need to be truly UNCONDITIONAL, as God's love is for us.

Please click on the resources below to learn more. All the hyperlinks are articles!

Resources
Courtship vs. Dating
Agape love
Biblical types of love
Biblical marriage
Christian Marriage
Biblical marriage roles (discusses submission)
Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
Intended for Pleasure, by Ed Wheat/Baker
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs / Thomas Nelson

Do you subscribe to courtship and Biblical marriage? Why or why not? What do you believe about marriage?

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