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How we're teaching Bekah chores, the ways she helps us, pictures of her helping.
Teaching kids about chores is very important, from a young age. Children must learn personal responsibility and good stewardship as soon as they are able to understand the concepts (which is a lot younger than some of you know). It's extremely important to teach children well so that they grow up responsible, helpful, and generally well-mannered.
Bekah, at 22 months, is already a big help around the house. Most kids, somewhere around 18 months, start a highly imitative phase, and they want to "help" you with everything. Some parents are tempted to brush them off because, yes, it can make your chores take longer to let them help. But it's crucial to let them do so for several reasons.
1) Helping takes advantage of their natural curiosity to learn new skills
Kids really love to learn. That's part of the reason why they start imitating you in the first place. If you can give your child an age-appropriate job whenever possible, your child will be challenged and will continue to learn new skills, and hone existing ones. This is crucial to their development as a productive member of society.
2) Helping teaches them they have a place in the family
In our family, everyone pitches in. No one person is fully responsible for each task. We share the responsibility for what needs done. Giving a young child a chance to help teaches them that they are part of the family and that they need to pitch in, too. Luckily, toddlers are only too eager. Allowing them to help makes them feel grown up and like they are really a part of the family. This will make it easier to teach them more responsibility later, because they'll already understand that all members of the family pitch in, and they'll have experience doing it.
3) Helping validates their autonomy and efforts
Toddlers are not babies, as many are quick to remind you. They want to "do it themselves" very often. Allowing a toddler to do a job makes her feel strong and capable. Our job as parents is to make our toddlers' world a place where they can do much more than they cannot do whenever possible. Allowing the toddler to help reminds her that she is an individual person who can do things for herself.
4) Helping gets them conditioned to doing "chores"
When children are older, we almost universally will ask them to do chores around the house -- their laundry, setting the table, sweeping floors, feeding animals, etc. By allowing them to help now, they are learning about how to do those jobs and what it's like to feel included. If a child grows up "always" having helped, they will be more used to simply doing so when we would choose to assign formal chores, and chores will not seem so overwhelming or unusual.
5) Helping allows them to spend more time with you
When there is a lot to get done (grocery shopping, meal preparation, laundry, etc.) it can be hard to find time to spend with your children. But if you can involve them in what you are doing, you can still spend time with them while you do what you must. You can teach children silly songs about sweeping the floor, play games while stirring cookie dough, count the socks in the laundry, etc. For me personally, this is a huge reason to let Bekah help. I personally find most baby games and toys boring, but I could find ways to let her help me all day long. I love to include her in what I'm doing, so this is a great way to spend time with her that's interesting to both of us.
All that said, how can kids help? It seems like kids as young as 18 months can't really do much. However, I've found that not to be true. My daughter has become VERY helpful, actually, and I mean she actually is helping me, not making things take longer! Here is a list of the types of things very young kids may be able to do (keep in mind your own family situation and your child's abilities; these are the things my daughter does at 22 months):
*Empty plastic or metal items from the dishwasher and put them away in low cabinets or drawers
*Put laundry from the washer into the dryer (handed to child by mom or dad)
*Sweep floors (this needs a LOT of guidance or the dirt just goes everywhere)
*Feed pets (watch carefully, show scoop for food)
*Tear lettuce for salad
*Add chopped vegetables to bowls (teach the child to wait until the knife is done and the vegetables are moved to one side)
*Fold laundry (hand to mom to fold)
*Put laundry away in low drawers/closet
*Remove own clothing and put in laundry basket or hamper
*Pick up toys from the floor and put in bins or toy box
*Give a pacifier or toy back to younger child
*Wipe up spills
*Fetch diapers, blankets, etc. for younger child
*Dump pre-measured foods into a bowl (i.e. parent fills measuring cup, child adds)
*Stir cold foods (cake batter, salads, etc.)
*Harvest from the garden in the summer (teach colors, i.e. "pick the red tomatoes")
There are probably many more ways that I can't think of right now, but Bekah has helped do all of these things at one point or another -- sometimes without my knowledge!
The other week I was emptying the dishwasher and feeling rather annoyed and busy. Bekah came over and wanted to help. (She will sign "help" if she wants to help me.) I said "No, mommy is busy, just let me do it." She completely ignored me. She picked up a cutting board (plastic) and opened up the cabinet it goes in and put it away! Recently she's also learned how to tear the salad leaves into bite-sized pieces, instead of just tearing them in half like she used to. The more she helps, the more she learns about how things are done.
Children -- ALL people -- learn best by DOING. Repetition is key, and observation doesn't hurt. As Bekah observes me doing certain likes (like tearing salad leaves smaller), she practices doing it herself and learns to do it "right." She's also learned to pick up a cutting board and push all the food into a bowl instead of grabbing several handfuls. Her skills will be honed as she does more and more. Whenever possible, I try to give her a job to do. It makes her feel included, and it actually staves off a lot of tantrums that would result from being ignored. It's also setting her up for a future of being responsible.
When our children are older, they'll be expected to pick up after themselves. That is, put their dishes in the dishwasher, clothes in the hamper, toys put away, any messes cleaned up. We already make Bekah clean up her own messes whenever possible, or at least help. We'll also teach them to do all different types of chores. Girls will learn to mow the lawn and do hard labor; boys will learn to cook and sew. By including them in all these types of chores now (Bekah enjoys cooking and pretending to sew just as much as tramping through the garden), we're setting them up to continue helping.
How do you teach your children about chores? At what age did they start helping and what types of things did they do?
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Sunday, December 6, 2009
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I work at a daycare center where I am the lead teacher in a young toddler room (18 months-30 months). These kids love having "special" jobs to help their teacher. I find myself making up little jobs for them to do throughout the day, and it makes them feel important and like they're getting the attention they want. Having simple chores, like carrying the class notebook or passing out napkins, helps us transition from one activity to another smoothly. I've also found that giving children this age positive attention really cuts down on behavior issues. Small tasks are a great way to give them positive attention! Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteI'm having a really hard time getting my kids to clean up after themselves. I've experienced the toddler years when they are so excited to help. My now 7-yr-old has discovered that its boring to clean and playing is much more fun. Right now, the biggest battle is his bedroom. He trashes it and then refuses to pick up. Even when I break it down into bite-size tasks and even pitch in to help (lets pick up all the dirty clothes first and put them in the laundry room; now lets pick up all the books off the floor, etc.) I get lots of whining and "I don't want to." I end up super frustrated. My three-yr-old is sometimes super helpful (and loves to make messes simply to be able to clean it up) and other times adamently refuses to help when she makes a mess. The more I force her to help or get angry, the less she is inclined to help (which makes sense, but I have a hard time not getting angry when she's made a design on the floor in chocolate syrup or emptied a roll of toilet paper into the toilet and then flushed to make the toilet overflow).
ReplyDeleteSo, I'd love some ideas as how to motivate my children to help without complaining, to understand that we are a family and we need to all help each other (I've repeated those words a million times and it just doesn't seem to sink in at all!). Also, I have an 18-month-old who is just getting to that "let me help" stage....would love some practical suggestions as to how to let him help. Thanks!
I agree that kids should clean up after themselves and have a few basic chores. The "help mommy" strategy works great with toddlers, but less so, as Krista has noticed, with older kids. Ater age three or four kids become more autonomous and are less interested in mommy. That is why I think it is important to at least feign some interest in their age-appropriate toys and games (it would be great if parents could actually find something interesting abut the games, say the joy in their child's eyes when they are successful at the game or puzzle). Yes, these games can be boring to parents, but establishing a relationship where both parties- parent to child and child to parent- give attention to each other's interests is important. The relationship shouldn't just be the children adapting to the parents' lives, but also the parent's adapting to the children's emerging interests (even boring toddler games). You may know the old saying, "Listen to your kids when they are young so that they will talk to you when they are teenagers."
ReplyDeleteThat being said, as children get older and don't want to help just to please mommy, it may be beneficial to try offering incentives. For example, stating that we can go on a walk with the dog or do some other healthy, fun, activity after picking up may give children the incentive they need to do their chores. I'm not talking about bribery (candy, toys, etc.), but basic relaxation activites that we all do as adults (ex. as soon as I finish putting away the laundry I will . . . have a cup of tea, read a blog, take a walk, etc.) This way you not only teach them good work strategies, but also good relaxation strategies.
As kids get even older, explaining how their work help parents provide other things for the family may give kids incentive to do chores and help around the house. For example, explaining that if we grow and maintain our own garden we save money on food. If we save money on food, we can use it for other purposes such as family weekends, music lessons, or even a second car that the kids can use.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I think kids should clean up after themselves and have some basic chores, but let's not forget that the kids' JOB is to be a kid and to learn. They initially learn through play and then through reading, listening, and experience. I don't beleive that EVERYONE learns best by doing; some people are visual learners, some auditory, and others are kinesthetic. Again, listen to and observe your child to determine how they best learn.
I TOTALLY disagree with large famiilies (like the Duggars) who make the older children responsible for younger children. Those older children did not choose to be parents; their parents DID choose and they should take total responsibility for their choices. The children should be allowed to have a childhood and not be treated as unpaid nannies.
Krista,
ReplyDeleteI don't have personal experience with 7-year-olds, but here is what I would suggest: sit down with him at a time that is neutral (i.e. when you're not already trying to make him clean up and you're both annoyed). Explain that he is the oldest and you really need his help and for him to set a good example. Then, set up a rewards system. In my mind, there are two types of chores: personal chores, and household chores. Personal chores are things like putting your clothes in the hamper, picking up your toys, etc. Household chores are feeding the dog, sweeping the floor, etc. You can write out which personal chores he needs to be responsible for daily (hopefully if he puts his clothes away and picks up his toys his room will never be so messy) and then offer a reward. I suggest that this reward is time alone with you or your husband, a special game or activity, etc. Something that's more inherently rewarding. Then, if he doesn't do those things, you can offer consequences, like he can't spend time with his friends until his chores are done. Something that would affect you, too, and explain: "If I don't do the dishes, then I can't call my friend until I do, because we need to have clean dishes here."
For household chores, list ones that need done and let him pick the ones he'd like to do. It might surprise you. As a teenager, one of my chores was to empty the dishwasher, which I had to do only a couple times a week. I hated it, and eventually offered to trade my mom. I said I'd feed the cats and clean their litter boxes every night if I didn't have to empty the dishwasher anymore. She was very willing to trade. I took on MORE work because feeding the cats was better than emptying the dishwasher, to me.
And finally...how big a deal is it, really, if his room is a little messy? I know that despite my best efforts, my room often gets pretty messy. I honestly focus my efforts on the rest of the house and do what I can, when I can with it. Maybe that doesn't have to be a battle you fight. But, if he's usually allowed to play with friends there, you could tell him that he can't take friends in his room unless it's clean, because guests don't get to see the messy parts of the house. I don't know. But sometimes I think some battles just aren't worth it!
Anonymous,
Thanks for the comments. I think it is worth it to try to play games with your children. And although I find it boring, I do TRY. I honestly can't wait until my daughter's a little older and gets more into coloring and dolls and stuff that is just a bit more interesting to me! My husband can't wait till the kids are old enough for board and card games, even basic ones. We all do our best.
Finally, I've thought a lot about large families, like the Duggars, and I'll do a blog post in a couple weeks about my opinion on the subject.
Kate-
ReplyDeleteI'm sure YOU do try to play games with your daughter. I'm sorry if you took my comments personally; that wasn't my intention. What I meant to say was that I don't think parents have to like the games, but showing interest in the child's developmentally appropriate games and puzzles is important. I have probably played a million games of Candy Land and Connect Four. Neither of those is challenging or even interesting for me, but my kids love them. Honestly, until they can play Scrabble, backgammon, or other, more sophisticated, games well, I doubt that I will find their games interesting. I play their games to help them develop.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts about large families. I think your suggestions regarding getting a 7 year-old to do chores were great! I don't think, however, it is fair to "explain to him that he is the oldest" and he should set an example. I am the oldest child in my family, and many of my friends are the oldest child in their families. All of us disliked having to be the example simply because of our birth order. I think it sets up resentment between siblings, and, really, parents should be the example. Are you the oldest sibling in your family? If your parents used the "oldest is the example" line on you, how did it make you feel? Do you think the oldest child in a family has a higher burden of responsibility in a family? If so, why?
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYes, I am the oldest in my family. I don't think my parents used the "example" line very often, but I kind of think they should have. My husband is also the oldest in his family, and we both felt that we ended up having a larger burden of responsibility than our younger siblings did. However, we felt that ultimately THEY were short-changed because adjusting to the work load of simply being an adult was more difficult for them than for us. In some cases they simply avoid responsibility and honestly, my brother nearly flunked out of college at first (but has gotten it together and will graduate in a year, perhaps, at age 23). We honestly did not feel that we should have been worked less, but that our siblings should have been worked more. We felt much more prepared when we were both going to school full time plus working part time or full time as adults. So for our children, we want to really make sure that they are prepared to work hard, and that they are equipped with "life skills" like cooking, cleaning, and yard work. All of them. Girls will work outside and boys will learn to cook and sew on buttons. A large part of our parenting philosophy really grew out of what we observed in our younger siblings. And honestly...our parents have confided in us now that in some cases, they wish they'd done some things differently in this area!
So, I think it depends on how it is worded and it can't be just the older sibling. Perhaps the oldest sibling starts out as an example to younger ones, but they should all ultimately be an example to the rest of the world of how to be helpful and generous. At least that's how I see it.
Thanks for the clarification. I see your point, and I agree that it may start out with the oldest being an example until they can all be examples in their own right. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteMaybe everyone should be treated equally? I know it's easier said than done, but birth order stereotypes can cause a lot of problems. Maybe your brother didn't work as hard because he knew that his older sister would. Children take on the roles they perceive they have in a family. I'm sure you'll do a good job!
ReplyDeleteI was going to post early in response to Krista's post, but Kate said some of what I wanted to say.
ReplyDeleteI read recently that it's ok to give an older child his "space," and to call it that, and to let him keep as messy or clean as he wants. BUT, set rules to do a deep clean (for sanitary/health reasons) 2-3 times a year where mom or dad helps clean, wipe down, vacuum, etc. Also, have rules set like "if friends are to come over, the floor must be picked up, there needs to be somewhere for friends to sit," etc. And if the child wants his parents to come into the room to hang out, the parents are allowed to say "no thanks, your room is a mess and smells funny" to encourage the child to clean things up a bit. :)
What do you think about the Duggars having their 19th child prematurely? Is it fair to the older girls who will now have to take care of the many younger kids and run that giant household? Is it fair to baby 19 to be conceived when mom and dad both know the risk of complications? All of this seems to fly in the face of your opinion on personal responsibility, so I am curious what your thoughts are since you also want a large family. Would you have 19 kids? How many is too many, and at what point does a large family become and irresponsible chioce?
ReplyDeleteAmber,
ReplyDeleteMy goal is to treat my children as they need to be treated, not necessarily equally. My daughter hated to sleep in my arms so I never did it with her, even as a newborn (she'd struggle and cry and refuse to sleep). My son LOVES to sleep with me so sometimes he does. It's not equal, but it's what each needs. I believe it is best to treat children as individuals, but also to teach them that certain things -- like respecting others -- are not negotiable.
Anonymous,
I only just learned about the Duggar's premature baby after reading your comment. I plan to post my views on large families in a few weeks so that I can answer the questions more thoroughly. Briefly, though, I don't think that the girls will mind helping out for a few weeks while their mother is not at home. When she returns (which should be much sooner than the baby), I'm sure she will take up her usual role. I am also fairly sure that this will be their last baby. I do think that although a lot of people disagree with the Duggars and their lifestyle, that they are taking responsibility for themselves. Do you know they are completely debt-free? That they built their house themselves? They aren't relying on anyone outside the family to help them. Granted, there are things I disagree with in their lifestyle, but in general I would count them as more responsible than many.
I do know that they built their own house and that they are debt-free. I agree that they are more financially responsible than most families. I don't doubt that their daughters will willingly care for the other kids and the household while their mom is in the hospital. They should; that's part of being a family.
ReplyDeleteI vehemently disagree with the girls being responsible for a younger sibling or siblings. Parents should not have more children than they can care for themselves. Michelle does not provide the day to day care for all of the children, a fact she readily admits. She "assigns" younger children to the older girls. She justifies this unfair practice by saying that she and Jim-Bob are living God's plan for them. As Susan B. Anthony once said: "I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do because their own desires seem to so neatly coincide with His." I wonder if this is the "plan" God had in mind for the Duggar girls.