Disciplining a Toddler

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Disciplining kids isn't easy. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is best for us to do with Bekah. We've been through many different ideas, many sparked by what our parents did -- or didn't -- do with us, and adapted to suit our personalities. While I don't believe there is any ONE way to discipline a child, I want to share what we've been through and what we've ultimately chosen at this time.

Before we had kids, and when Bekah was very little, Ben extolled the virtues of spanking. I wasn't sure I wanted to spank, but I had memories (not bad) of being spanked, and I learned that spanking appropriately (that word is very important!) was Biblical. So I did agree to go along with this. For my own memory, I remember I was once climbing on my father's car and sliding down the windshield. I was about 3. My dad came out and told me all my friends had to go home and I needed to come inside. He took me up to my room and explained to me that doing this was dangerous and I must never do it again. Then he told me he would spank me. He laid me over his legs and spanked with an open hand over my diaper. He let me cry for a few minutes, then held me and told me he loved me and he was worried I would get hurt. And then it was over.

This is what an appropriate spanking looks like. Although, what I've taken from this memory is more HOW the discipline was carried out than what method was used. This was discipline in love, for fear of a child's safety. It was an important rule to have and when broken, was calmly addressed. Another instance that stands out in my mind is that my father told me I must never ride a bike without a helmet. I got caught doing it -- once. He saw me, called me over, and told me I could not ride my bike for a month and that I was grounded. Very calm. That was the end of it and I never did it again. Again -- discipline gently and with love.

At around 9 months of age, Bekah began to get into things she shouldn't. She was cruising and crawling everywhere. At this point I started to use small swats on her hands, which honestly led to her hitting me back. We abandoned this approach after a few weeks for that reason.

When she was about 13 months and started to understand what "no" meant, but chose not to listen, we began to spank her at times. The problem was, everyone was getting very upset. Bekah was told to stop whatever she was doing many times, and when she did not, she was picked up and spanked. I justified this by thinking that the rule she was breaking was important, that my voice was -- usually -- calm, and that I was only spanking her bottom over her diaper with an open hand.

Sometime around 16 or 17 months, I was very pregnant and irritated and often felt like I was losing control. I felt like I was yelling, threatening to spank, or spanking her ALL day. She completely tuned me out. This continued after her brother's birth for awhile. The rules we were enforcing WERE important -- like don't play with knives (she can climb anything and break the childproof latches), don't hit/kick/step on your brother, don't play with the baby swing while your brother's in it, etc. We would get very upset when she climbed up on the bassinet because she could knock it over and send her brother tumbling out. Once she pushed the swing so far back when he was in it she DID send him tumbling out!

Clearly we were not getting through to her and everyone was just getting angry and frustrated. I hated to think that I was becoming one of those angry, unhappy mothers who just yelled all day long and wasn't nice or fun. I didn't want my house to be that way. So, around 19 months, we implemented "time out." She was old enough at this point to understand most everything we said, and to really dislike being separated.

I tried it out. She opened one of my kitchen drawers and climbed up, opening the silverware drawer and beginning to fish for things. I said once: "Rebekah, you need to get down." She ignored me. Calmly, "Rebekah, get down right now or you will go in time out." Typically that is all it takes -- and she gets down and goes to play with something else. She doesn't return immediately, either. When it doesn't work, I pick her up and say "You did not listen, and now you must go in time out." We have a pack-n-play set up for this purpose. I set her in it and sometimes she screams; other times she's okay. If she does scream, I wait until she stops before I pick her up. Otherwise I just give her a couple minutes.

When I pick her up, I ask her "Did Mommy ask you to stop X?" X being whatever she did wrong. She will look at me and say "yes" or lately "uh-huh." Then I ask, "Did you keep doing X?" She says "yes." I explain, "That is why you went in time out. You must not do X because Y." i.e. "You must not hit your brother because it will hurt him and make him cry."

I don't have to put her in time out very often. I don't even have to threaten much anymore. Just a quiet reminder to stop is usually enough.

What happens if she tries to climb out of time out? She can climb out of the pack-n-play, and her crib (which I use in a pinch). She's tried to climb out of each once while in time out. I spent one morning lifting her back into time out repeatedly (I think about five times) explaining each time that she must wait for mommy to get her. She eventually stopped trying, and I lifted her out when she calmed down. She hasn't tried again.

In situations that lend themselves to natural consequences, we take advantage of these. For example, if she throws something (usually because she's mad and doesn't want it), we make her pick it up immediately, and explain that she does not have to have it, but she cannot throw it. (She is allowed to gently push it away, hand it back, ignore it, etc.) If she spills something, she's handed a towel and asked to clean up. There are mornings we've spent twenty or thirty minutes walking around, asking her to clean up all the messes she's made. This doesn't necessarily teach her not to make messes, but it does teach her that if she chooses to make them, she will have to clean them up herself.

The best discipline method for any family is the one that meets these criteria:

1) It is clearly understood by ALL parties (parents, children, any caretakers)

2) It can be consistently applied in a variety of situations

3) It allows for natural consequences to be used when possible

4) It can be applied calmly and lovingly and NOT in anger

5) It does not require any yelling; or, it allows for explanations and apologies (i.e. if your kid is about to run into the street, you WILL yell...but you can say later "I'm sorry I yelled but I was very scared")

6) It produces clear results. i.e. the child listens to the parent and stops the behavior!

This method will be different for all families. It will also be different for different children within a family. Bekah happens to be very motivated by being involved, helping. She can listen to yelling or even be spanked several times in a day and not be fazed. Daniel is too little for any form of discipline (and we wouldn't use any until he's much closer to a year), but he is sensitive and will cry if I yell at Bekah sometimes. So the way we handle him may be much different. That remains to be seen.

How do you discipline your kids? How did you decide how to do so?